Dear Annie 3/19

Dear Annie: I recently reconnected with a man I was engaged to as a young girl. We broke up because of a misunderstanding. Now, decades later, we have reunited.

He is loving and kind most of the time. However, when he feels I have slighted him, he will tell me that he’s breaking up with me because of some supposed slight that I have committed against him. Usually, it’s something small, like being unavailable on a specific day or saying I have to go someplace and cannot message him for a while. He then accuses me of infidelity and/or not loving him “enough.”

I have spoken to him many times about personal boundaries, and the life that I am enjoying living and have enjoyed for many years without him. I would very much like to incorporate him into my life, but he sometimes demands much more of me than what I can give.

When he threatens a breakup, I am crushed. I have abandonment issues to begin with, and this exacerbates those feelings.

I truly love him and want him in my life. What can I say to make him stop throwing these temper tantrums when he feels he’s been slighted, when those perceived slights are unintentional? – Confused Lady

Dear Confused Lady: Threatening to leave you after the slightest disagreement is a form of verbal abuse. It sounds like he’s trying to gaslight you into spending all your time with him – and such controlling behavior is certainly a red flag.

That said, constantly reminding him of the life you “enjoyed for many years without him” probably only fuels his insecurities.

I would seek the guidance of a couples therapist to help set appropriate boundaries in your new relationship.

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