Miss Manners: Take the cookies and move on

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During COVID, my husband and I traveled to visit my sister out of state. We live a secluded lifestyle under normal circumstances, and even more so during COVID.

We are fully vaccinated, we wear masks, we avoid unnecessary socializing and we travel by RV or car to avoid flying and public transportation. My sister’s daughter (my niece) and her family are/were just the opposite.

One day during our stay, while I was sitting on the front porch, my niece’s and her family drove up. They asked if they were allowed inside and I suggested they ask my sister.

My niece’s husband blew up and accused me of controlling my sister. He came up on the porch shouting and waving his arms in front of me. I will not deny that I responded verbally to his bullying, though no cursing was exchanged.

Last Christmas, he and his wife uncharacteristically sent us an inexpensive box of cookies. I suspect the gift was his way of apologizing without admitting guilt. Now my family is pressing me to move on and even take responsibility for my reaction to the bullying, but I still cannot forgive the behavior. Am I off base?

GENTLE READER: Your relative was rude and you were rude back. He then failed to apologize (cookies are flour, sugar and sometimes butter; they are not apologies, no matter how clear the butter).

You are considering moving on, which is also not an apology. And your family is trying to determine who has the greater grievance.

One purpose of etiquette is to restore peace after human beings misbehave – not to keep score. Miss Manners is therefore going to go and see if there are any cookies left while you move on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a daughter-in-law who is a very strict vegan. None of us are. She seems to expect that when she’s invited over to a family function, we should be sure to serve vegan items, versus her bringing her own food.

It’s a lot of work cooking for a group, let alone a single vegan person. When she invited us to a potluck, and we asked what we could bring, we were presented with a menu and recipes to choose from. She actually assigned things to bring.

I have never come across anyone like this, and it’s very frustrating. What is the best way to handle this type of personality without losing my cool and alienating her, which I’m close to doing?

GENTLE READER: Potluck squabbles are so common that Miss Manners is happy to find another argument against them on behalf of those with strict dietary requirements.

It is reasonable of your daughter-in-law to expect that you will provide some items that she can eat at family functions. But she has no authority over what is served to other guests. Similarly, if she wants to control the menu, she should provide the food – otherwise, she will have to be gracious when her brother-in-law brings pigs in blankets.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.