Miss Manners: How to appear concerned but not nosy

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A couple of times now, colleagues have mentioned to me that they are taking a day or a half-day off to undergo medical tests, without giving details. What is an appropriate response, given that they have volunteered this information?

I have settled for responding with, “I hope everything is OK.” Is there a better response that acknowledges what they’ve said – I don’t want to seem uncaring – without implying that I’m asking what the tests are for?

GENTLE READER: Half the people who tell you about their upcoming tests will be offended if you do not inquire further – and half will be offended if you do.

The proper response is therefore to stall for time while you determine which type they are. “Is there anything you need me to check on while you are out?” mirrors your colleague’s ambiguity about whether this conversation is personal or professional – while also, Miss Manners notes, being unclear about how much of their work they can dump on you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve begun walking our two beagles on the streets around our quiet neighborhood, for both their benefit and mine. One of the dogs has always been chubby, but well-loved and well cared-for.

However, several times when we’ve been out walking, total strangers have approached me and told me that my dog is overweight, even implying that I’m abusing the dog. One lady I’ve encountered more than once tried to give me a list of dog trainers that could help.

How do I respond to these accusations, short of locking the dog in the house and never leaving, which isn’t fair to him or me?

GENTLE READER: “Thank you for the suggestion.”

Before you complain to Miss Manners that such an answer is too polite for someone who just implied that you are abusing your dog, she points out that a five-word answer, delivered with slightly compressed lips, is not an admission of guilt, a display of enthusiasm nor a commitment to act. And it gets you on with your walk.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some members of my husband’s family are always late. Because of this, we have ended up sitting in restaurants for over half an hour, waiting outside a theater, missing the beginning of tours or excursions, going to their place for Sunday dinner at 6 but not eating until 8, etc.

The relatives who cause these situations have absolutely zero sense of time. We learned long ago not to ride with them to weddings or surprise parties.

To get around this, I think it’s best to lie: to tell them dinner is at 6, when it’s really at 6:45, or that the movie starts at 8 (actually 8:30). My husband disagrees with this method, but the constant waiting is getting really old. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Is your husband’s objection moral or practical?

You could handle a moral objection by saying, “We have to be there by …” instead of “it starts at …”

If you are found out, Miss Manners is perfectly willing to have you apologize to the relatives for having mistakenly given them the wrong impression. She just does not think anyone will believe it if repeated too often.

In future, either plan events for which the start time is not important, or tell them you will meet them inside the theater.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.