Dear Kiantha: New matriarch doesn’t want the role

Dear Kiantha,

My family is not close at all. We fight constantly, and half of the time we are not talking to one another about one thing or another. The matriarch of our family died recently, and she was the glue that held everything together. That responsibility now falls on my shoulders, and I don’t want it. How do I honor my mother in her passing and at the same time let my family know I am not interested in the role of matriarch, nor am I interested in a relationship with most of them?

Dear Friend,

First things first, you are not required to assume any position in your family previously held by your mother. Keyword being “required.” The matriarch of a family by definition is the senior living female member of a family. If in your mother’s passing you have become the senior female member of the family that would make you the matriarch; however, you get to decide if you want to step into or follow the previous footprints that have been left by your mother in that role.

Just as we create roles, we can deconstruct roles. Roles of any kind can be confining and often serve as barriers to us living in our truth. Roles hinder us from finding our paths because we are so focused on staying true to the path (i.e., role) that someone else has set.

You have an opportunity to decide who you want to be and how you want to show up within the structure of your family. With the constant fighting and lack of communication demonstrated in your family, this may be an opportunity for you to begin to demonstrate healthier behaviors to your family. The first demonstration being the show of boundaries and healthy ways to communicate your individual needs to the family unit.

Matriarchs have a special place within families. They are usually regarded as the sage based on their experience and wise council. Being that honoring your mother’s legacy is important to you, consider therapy to identify healthy communication techniques, support with complicated family dynamics, and support for dealing with family trauma. Then share that information out with your family. Be open to defining what being a matriarch means to you, create your own lane should you so choose to. There are no right or wrong answers.

Soul to soul,

Kiantha

Dear Kiantha can be read Fridays in The Spokesman-Review. To submit a question, email DearKiantha@gmail.com.