Miss Manners: Conversation should be a two-way street

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am always looking to meet new people and make new friends. But for the last five years or so, I have noticed that people only want to talk about themselves – their travels, home renovations, work, etc.

I understand that it’s the favorite topic of conversation for most people, but what happened to a two-way conversation?

My own family, friends I haven’t seen in ages, and acquaintances alike only talk about themselves – often in a pretentious manner. They never ask about me: what I’ve been doing, what my life is like, my opinion, etc. My partner has noticed the same thing, and even asked me why it keeps happening.

Even at one of my book clubs, the host spends most of the time talking about herself, not the book. At the last meeting, after I asked a question and listened to others’ answers, I started to make my own comment, but I was interrupted. I received no apology or invitation to continue. The conversation returned to the host and her life, and I found myself incredibly bored and needing to leave.

Ditto for a dinner club that inevitably focuses on the travels of one or two in the group. I consider myself reasonably well-traveled, but I learned a long time ago that talking about one’s vacations is pretentious, not to mention boring for most people.

I would also point out that this type of status-seeking narration is seen by foreigners as very American – meaning shallow and unsophisticated. I equate this behavior with posting on social media about every restaurant meal and mundane event.

Have people lost the ability to converse? Is it because of social media? Building meaningful conversation requires interaction among at least two participants.

GENTLE READER: Yes, these are oral versions of what Miss Manners has come to think of as the modern template for expression: the press release. The puff piece about oneself.

But it’s not all that new, and she can’t blame it all on social media. A simpler version existed before that: the mimeographed Christmas letter.

Perhaps there were those who used that form not only to give news of themselves, and to give it modestly, but to inquire about others in such a way as to encourage correspondence. But as it was a form letter, addressed to many, it could not pretend to be personal.

It’s also sad that the talk you hear seems always to be a narration, instead of an exploration of ideas. It is especially egregious at a book club, where general conversation should be prompted by the book.

Short of finding new sets of friends, Miss Manners can only suggest that you practice saying, “Would you like my opinion?” and “I suppose you’ve been wondering what I’ve been up to.”

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com.