Dear Annie: Lonely in a lovely town

Dear Annie: My husband and I recently moved to a new town, and I feel lonelier than I expected to feel at this stage of life.

We are new empty nesters. Our youngest left for college in the fall, and not long after that we relocated for my husband’s job. On paper, it made sense. It is a nice area, safe, pretty and full of things people say they love. But most days I feel like I am walking around in someone else’s life.

Back home, I knew who I was. I had my routines, my friends, my familiar grocery store, my favorite coffee place where someone would ask how my kids were doing. Here, I do the same errands and somehow feel invisible. I smile at people, and they are polite, but it does not go anywhere. I have tried a few things, a book club where everyone already seemed to know each other, a gym classwhere people rush out the door, even volunteering once, but I came home feeling more out of place than before.

The quiet is the hardest part. The house is too tidy, my phone is too silent and I keep catching myself wanting to text my kids about silly little things just to feel connected. I worry I am being needy, or worse, that I am becoming boring. My husband is adjusting better than I am because he has work. He is tired but fulfilled. I feel like I am waiting for my life to start again.

How do you make friends and build a sense of belonging when you are new, older than most of the “new friend” crowd and feel like you missed the window for this? – Stranger

Dear Stranger: You are not being needy. You are adjusting to a double change – an empty house and a new town. That kind of loneliness is normal, even in a “nice” place.

Adult friendships usually come from consistency, not one great conversation. Choose one or two weekly anchors and show up every time to the same class, volunteer shift, walk or coffee spot. Finding a small church group can be especially helpful because people will expect to see you again. Hobbies also do the same thing. Pick something that fits who you are, not who you think you should be.

Then reach out to others in a small, specific way, saying something such as, “I’m new here and still finding my people. Would you like to get coffee after this next week?” This is a clear, kind and low-pressure way to pitch a potential friendship.

You do not need a whole new life overnight. You need a few steady points of connection and time for it to happen.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.