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Leach Speech: A compendium of fine Leachisms

"I do have a Viking axe by the bed if I need to whack someone"

On hot dogs

“A hot dog isn’t a sandwich. I’m not into hot dogs, with all due respect to those that are, but they can have mine, so there will be more for them.”

On the strangest thing he’s autographed

“There’s this bra, and I mean this bra’s huge. The kid puts the bra up on the table and says, ‘Can you sign my mom’s bra?’ And then behind is this older lady kind of laughing and I guess being a good sport with her kids and it was clearly her bra. And I mean this bra was gigantic. Anything for the fans.”

On Washington State fans rushing the field following the Cougar’s 30-27 upset win over USC

“It’s like Woodstock, except everybody’s got their clothes on.”

Mike Leach graphic

On the play of his Washington State offensive line after the game against Boise State

“OK, if there was a fight to the death and you were to clean out this room and there were no rules whatsoever to be applied. So you pick out whoever happens to be your favorite of our offensive lineman. Whoever you think is the toughest. Now whoever’s the softest of that Boise State D-line, you bring him in here. And all that’s going to be left of our offensive lineman is a grease spot at the end. Because that Boise State defensive lineman would smoke our offensive lineman so bad, it’ll be embarrassing.”

On college kids and technology

“Their best feature, probably, well, they’re experts on technology. Heck, when I was a kid, I would watch Star Trek. These guys could have invented the plane, the computer, Scotty, the whole thing.”

On seniors during 2012 season

“Some of them (seniors), quite honestly, have an empty corpse quality. That’s not pleasant to say or pleasant to think about, but that’s a fact. That’s why it’s been necessary for us to have the youth moment that we’ve had.”

On the subject of texting

“Because all we’re going to be doing is looking into machines anyways. Well, that’s true. And in the end, it’s going to be tough to perpetuate the species. There’s no question about that. So we’re all going to look into this box and eventually be extinct. That’s how it ends.”

On Twitter in 2012

“Twitter is now banned around here so don’t expect anything on Twitter. Twitter’s banned and quite frankly if after today you see anything on Twitter from our team— and I don’t care if it says ‘I love life’— I would like to see it because I will suspend them.”

On using Twitter, 2017

“But now I’ve mastered typing it I think. Of course some of those things, you don’t know where they go.”

Again on Twitter, 2017

“I just go to the whole pile and sift through it. Sift through it and if it looks boring, I go fast.”

Leach gets sidetracked while talking about the best party he’s attended

“It’s kind of a cross between the ultimate palatial shack treehouse. I still need to build a treehouse incidentally. That treehouse guy, I need to get a hold of him. He’s hard to call.”

On disappointing performance of offensive line against Utah in 2012

“A part of it’s effort, and some of it borders on cowardice. Our five couldn’t whip their two. Sometimes they brought two. Our five couldn’t whip two. If five of our guys went in an alley and got in a fight with two of theirs, we would have gotten massacred.”

After suspending star receiver Marquis Wilson in 2012

“This isn’t a democracy. We don’t say, ‘hey, you 125 guys, so how do you want practice to be and what direction do you want this or that to go?’ We don’t do that. So we’re not changing. Our standards are what our standards are and we’re going to hold them to those standards. That’s how we’ve all done it for years and you don’t have any progress by wallowing and getting all wishy-washy in what your standards are. And the fact that the standards don’t appeal to some player or another really is pretty irrelevant. That’s how we’re going to do it and they’re either on board or they’re off, and I can live with it either way. As long as we have a key path and direction, we’re ready to go.”

On a deleted scene from the TV show, Friday Night Lights, that featured Leach

“At one point in time we got burritos, for Kyle Chandler to be eating one of those frozen convenience store burritos and then I would grab them out of his mouth and say, ‘You’ve lost your inner pirate.’ … They didn’t do it that way but after awhile, there’s about six burritos laying on the ground right beside the car.”