Hearty Fare You Want Valentine’s Day Romance But You Can’t Cook? Here Are Some Tips For Serving Up Love In The Home.

This Valentine’s Day, you could take your sweetheart out for a fancy dinner - and mispronounce “pollo,” order the wrong wine with the calamari and cap the humiliation with your complete inability to calculate a tip.

Or you could become a real hero in your honey’s eyes by cooking for her (or him) in the comfort of your own home.

Consider the advantages. You can listen to your favorite music, as soft or loud as you like. The lighting can be as bright or as dim as you desire.

And you don’t have to wear anything with a waistband; sweat pants or even pajamas are perfectly acceptable (just make sure they’re clean, particularly if you aren’t married and have any ambitions along those lines).

One small problem, you say: you can’t cook anything more complicated than microwave popcorn.

Relax. As long as you can read a recipe and find your way to the supermarket, you can make a meal that’s as easy as it is elegant.

Let’s start with some side dishes: Pre-washed salad fixings are one of those innovations that makes you wonder how mankind ever existed without them. For a special touch, use spinach; not only is it nutritious, but the deep green leaves make a beautiful backdrop for sliced or diced tomatoes, cucumbers and black olives and a white cheese such as Swiss or parmesan. Top with a good-quality bottled dressing.

Supermarket bakery bread is usually pretty tasty, but for that freshfrom-the-oven feel and aroma, try one of the brown-and-serve varieties. I’ve been particularly pleased with the chewy, soft sourdough rolls from Spokane’s own Coeur d’Alene French Baking Co. Five to seven minutes at 350 degrees is all you knead, er, need.

The beverage? Bubbly, of course. A pink sparkler will put you in the proper spirit; Freixenet’s Brut Rose delivers decent quality for $8 or less, well below Dom Perignon prices. Or, if you’re really on a beer budget, pick up a 22-ounce bottle or two of a raspberry-flavored wheat beer, such as Kemper’s Weizen Berry or Nor’Wester Raspberry Weizen. Serve in champagne glasses. (Another advantage of dining at home: you can drink with a clearer conscience if no one has to drive afterward).

And chocolate, of course, is the dessert of the day.

Store bakeries sometimes offer cakes and tortes by the slice. Brownies or ice cream, or combinations thereof, are acceptable alternatives. For a super-rich shortcut, try taking the stick out of a chocolate Dove bar and serving it in an attractive dish. Splitting one between two people not only makes stick removal easier but cuts calories, if that’s a concern.

Which brings us to your true opportunity to shine: the main course.

I’ll never forget the impression I made on my wife one Valentine’s Day when both our relationship and my cooking skills were in their infancy.

I was making Mushrooms Berkeley - a mainstay of my then-meatless repertoire - when she surprised me with a Strat-O-Matic baseball board game as a gift, reawakening an adolescent addiction.

Dozens of dice rolls later, amid a spirited battle between the Braves and Dodgers, I checked the stove only to discover that the simmering ‘shrooms had attached themselves somewhat permanently to the pan.

We ate it anyway, and lived happily ever after. And if you make Mushrooms Berkeley, maybe you will, too.

The mixture of mushrooms, bell peppers and onion in a sweet, slightly tart wine sauce would go well with Parmesan Dijon Chicken, a simple dish of baked, breaded chicken breasts accented by cheese and mustard. (If you want to jazz things up, call it “Pollo con Parmesan et Dijon.”)

Or you could serve Mushrooms Berkeley as a meatless main dish over pasta or rice, which requires the additional culinary ability to boil water. For the unsure, Uncle Ben’s fast-cook converted rice produces an agreeable texture with virtually no risk of overcooking.

If it’s fish you crave - or you really can’t cook at all - give Cheater’s Cioppino a try. All of the ingredients for the rosy-red seafood stew come out of a can or bottle, and the tomato base can be prepared a day ahead and refrigerated to save time on Valentine’s night.

While it’s not as captivating as an authentic, well-crafted cioppino, it’s not bad. Even experienced cooks might want to keep it in mind for carcamping season.

A few finishing touches: don’t forget the fresh flowers (as if we had to tell you that) and candles. Please, no paper napkins. Stick the serving plates in the oven for a few minutes to heat up along with the bread; that way, the food will stay warmer longer as you linger in leisurely conversation.

And as for the tip, here’s one: don’t wait until next Valentine’s Day to do this again.

Mushrooms Berkeley

Adapted from “The Vegetarian Epicure” (Vintage Books)

oil or butter

1/2 onion, chopped

1/2 pound mushrooms, cleaned and halved

1 bell pepper, seeded and cut into 1-inch squares

1 tablespoon Dijon mustard

1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce

1/4 cup brown sugar

1/2 cup red table wine

Saute onions in a little butter or oil until transparent. Add mushrooms and bell pepper and cook for a few more minutes, until mushrooms begin to brown and shrink.

While the vegetables are cooking, mix the mustard, Worcestershire sauce and sugar in a small bowl to make a smooth paste. Stir in the wine and season to taste with salt and pepper. Add to the vegetables and simmer over medium heat, uncovered, for 45 minutes. (If sauce is still too thin, bring to a boil briefly to thicken.)

Serve as a side dish, or as a main dish over rice or pasta.

Yield: 2 servings.

Parmesan Dijon Chicken

Adapted from a Sunset magazine recipe submitted by Gretchen Mather of Gretchen’s Of Course catering in Seattle

1 slice bread

1/3 cup grated parmesan cheese (preferably fresh)

2 tablespoons melted margarine or butter

1/4 cup Dijon mustard

1 tablespoon dry white wine

2 large or 3 medium boneless, skinless chicken breast halves (1/2 to 3/4 pound total)

Tear bread into pieces and whirl in a blender or food processor until coarse crumbs form. In a shallow dish, mix bread crumbs with cheese and margarine or butter. In another shallow dish, mix mustard and wine.

Swirl chicken breasts in the mustard mixture to coat all over and dip the rounded side in the crumb mixture. Place in a greased baking dish, breaded side up, and pat on as much remaining crumb mixture as will stick. Bake at 450 degrees for about 15 minutes, or until breading is golden and chicken is white throughout (cut to test).

Yield: 2 servings.

Cheater’s Cioppino

28-ounce can crushed tomatoes (preferably Progresso)

6-ounce can tomato paste

1 cup dry white wine (or 8-ounce bottle clam juice)

garlic powder

Italian seasoning

lemon juice (optional)

brown sugar (optional)

6.5-ounce can clams, with juice

4.25-ounce can shrimp, drained, with juice reserved (or 3/4 pound salad shrimp meat from the butcher counter)

6-ounce can solid white tuna, drained, in chunks

Stir together tomatoes, tomato paste and wine or clam juice in a medium pot. Season to taste with garlic powder, Italian seasoning, lemon juice, sugar, salt and pepper. Bring to a boil and simmer on low heat, covered, for about 30 minutes.

Add clams with juice, drained shrimp and tuna and heat through. Thin with reserved shrimp juice or water if desired.

Yield: 4 servings.