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Kill moose and squirrel

This is no fractured fairy tale. Virginia Commonwealth’s starting basketball guard tandem of Ben Peabody and Sherman Hamilton has been nicknamed the “Bullwinkle Backcourt” - though “the Wayback Machine” would seem more appropriate.

And while we’re on the subject, why aren’t they playing for Whattsamatta U?

Wearing o’ the green

This season-long farewell tribute to Boston Garden isn’t turning out quite the way they expected.

Kevin McHale, now the assistant general manager of the Minnesota Timberwolves, took his turn being honored at halftime last week. Perhaps unaware - or maybe very aware - that a television camera was rolling over his shoulder, McHale walked into the Celtics dressing room and saw that his old stall had been reassigned.

“Oh, how the mighty have fallen,” McHale moaned. “They’ve put Acie Earl in my locker.”

With that, he slid out Earl’s nameplate and hid it.

Good move. Acie needs a nameplate to find his locker.

Pinch us, we’re dreaming

Some guys have all the perspective. Take Tampa Bay’s Denis Savard on his lack of ice time: “I’ve always been the third, fourth, fifth best forward on my (NHL) team,” he said. “Now I’m like 10th or 11th and not playing much. I can’t blame the coaches. Right now, I don’t deserve to play more.”

And then there’s San Antonio Spurs pinerider Jack Haley, who, after a recent NBA game, noticed the reporters clustered in wait for Dennis Rodman and informed them, “`Worm’ has no comments today.”

Asked if he was Rodman’s spokesman, Haley replied, “I have to do something to justify my being here.”

Seattle SuperSonics point guard Gary Payton doesn’t have any problem talking for himself.

“The (new NBA) taunting rule doesn’t make no difference,” Payton said of trash-talking, of which he is an acknowledged master. “If I feel like I want to talk, I get a tech. It doesn’t make any difference to me. I’ll say whatever I have to say when I have to.”

Call the fashion police

Authorities in Providence are on the lookout for a thief wearing a maroon body suit with a silver lining.

Several skating outfits costing $350 apiece, a stereo and a leather jacket were among the items taken from Jeff Tilley’s car trunk after he arrived for the U.S. Figure Skating Championships. He had to borrow a competition costume from friends on the University of Delaware Skating Club to skate his routines.

Somehow, the thief missed taking Tilley’s skates.

Of course. Tonya already has skates.

The last word …

“I was commentating on guys I felt I still could beat and that inspired me to play again. It’s kind of like watching an X-rated film - you know it’s more fun to be participating than watching.”

- Golfer Peter Jacobsen, on jumping from the broadcast booth back to the PGA Tour