‘Alligator Wrestling’ Impractically Funny

It’s been real quiet around the library recently, so here is an oldie but a goodie: “Alligator Wrestling And You - An Impractical Guide to an Impossible Sport,” by Louis Phillips.

Phillips has got to be the most interesting author in America. His humor is young, but not “knock, knock, who’s there?” young, You actually get the humor! His jokes make sense, and it’s something you need after that creepy Quentin Crawford (name has been changed to protect the ugly) pours acid down your shirt in chemistry class and burns your skin clean off! Believe me, a laugh feels good about then.

Every chapter has at least one funny line. Take the forward: “No matter what country I visit, people (men, women, children, and some man-eating plants) rush up to me with a plea upon their lips: ‘Please! I want to learn how to wrestle an alligator. Can you help me?”’ I think this is funny - not drop-dead hilarious - but funny. The jokes are kind of lame by themselves, but together, it’s a masterpiece.

The chapters are full of useless, fun facts. Chapter One is devoted to the difference between an alligator and a can of peas. This lasts eight pages. Chapter Six explains where you should/should not wrestle your alligator.

Chapter Six is one of the best. Buses and back seats of cars are no good. A theater can be good, but be careful of A) The ticket. How do you prove your alligator is underage for a reduced price?; B) The movie itself. Don’t go to anything violent (the alligator will get ideas), comic (the alligator will think you’re laughing at him/her), or one containing sex scenes (the alligator will get lovesick and start sobbing, basically). Even if the movie IS suitable for an alligator, he will rather watch then wrestle.

See? Louis Phillips, like Dave Barry, is able to fill up the paper with absolute nonsense, and still be hilarious. This is a must-read.