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Weight clause

No doubt Idaho Vandals fans will appreciate this snippet from J.E. Vader’s column in Sunday’s Oregonian:

“The Vandals are an NCAA Division I-AA team, and as their traveling squad ran on the field, it looked as if there were fewer Idaho players than coaches and cheerleaders. And that their average weight was lighter.”

The “J” in J.E., by the way, stands for “Julie.”

Any chance a male could have gotten away with that line? Didn’t think so.

O, say can you see the home of the Braves?

Pinch-hitter Dwight Smith got a standing ovation from the crowd and a hero’s welcome from his teammates in the dugout. Not bad for a guy who struck out in his only at-bat.

Actually, it was Smith’s grooving, soul-inflected rendition of the national anthem Monday night that triggered the cheers - even from the the most hardened stoics in the ballpark.

“After I finished singing, I saw something I thought I would never see - all the reporters were standing in the press box cheering,” Smith said. “So I must have done a pretty good job.”

It was Smith’s fifth time singing the anthem before a major league crowd - and one of his shortest. Smith’s star-spangled performance clocked in at 1 minute, 50 seconds. Singers often take as long as 3 minutes to sing the Star Spangled Banner.

“I was happy with my time,” Smith said. “I’m trying to line up a gig for the World Series, and they like it when you can do it quickly.”

Smith’s pregame singing debut came in 1986 when he was with the Cubs’ minor-league club in Peoria, Ill. “I left my hat on that time,” he said. “I was so worried about doing it. But I did get all the words right.”

The real playbook

Fresno State administrators have ordered advisers to stop distributing a booklet that tells athletes which professors are easy graders.

The 17-page booklet has students rate professors, with some being called “boring” or “rude” while others are recommended because they accommodate athletic absences and give “easy A’s.”

Bob Knudsen, the assistant athletic director who created the booklet a decade ago, said the guide is a useful tool for athletes. But Fresno State president John Welty said, “I don’t think it’s approrpriate for an office on the campus to be gathering that data.”

This from the man who hired Jerry Tarkanian.

Olfactory rejects

Ah, memories. With the return of the Raiders to Oakland, former defensive end Ben Davidson recalled that some East Bay restaurants used to hold Raider nights each Wednesday. As many as half the players on the team would show up to eat pasta, drink wine and chat with fans.

“The wives hated it, because guys came home stinking from garlic,” Davidson said. “The huddle would stink in practice the next day.”

Like it was a petunia patch the rest of the week.

The last word …

“Start the game in the fifth inning.” - Brewers announcer Bob Uecker, on how he would speed up baseball

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo