‘You Mean He Gets Tipped, Too?’ (And 98 Other Things I’D Rather Not Hear On A Cruise Ship)

The more often we cruise, the more likely we are to hear or make comments that have a familiar ring. Some are as predictable as a midnight buffet, including the following:

1. “Wait till you hear the steel drum band.”

2. “At the Passenger Talent Show, I’ll be singing ‘Feelings.”’

3. “The Captain hopes to have more information soon on that approaching storm.”

4. “There’s just not enough drawer space.”

5. “Normally, I don’t come to the ‘Singles Party,’ do you?”

6. “I hear there are better rugs in the next port.”

7. “Tell me where you hail from, again.”

8. “Our whole table is competing as a team.”

9. “It’s Sunday, so all of the shops are closed.”

10. “Because of a local union dispute, the buses are parked a half mile from the ship.”

11. “You’re looking at an old itinerary.”

12. “First cruise?”

13. “I wonder if that waiter fools around.”

14. “I swear I’ve never once seen our cabin steward.”

15. “I told my wife we brought too many clothes.”

16. “My husband forgot to pack any underwear.”

17. “The next tender doesn’t leave for half-an-hour.”

18. “You mean to tell me that the ship generates its own electricity?”

19. “They promised us we’d have an hour to shop.”

20. “The food was definitely better last year.”

21. “I finally told my cabin steward: ‘Refill the fruit bowl.”’

22. “I just hope he’s an honest merchant and that, someday, we get to see those rugs.”

23. “I hear the treadmill is always out of order.”

24. “Do they take American money there?”

25. “I’m not the regular aerobics instructor.”

26. “I can never find clean towels, can you?”

27. “You’d think they’d know they need to wear cover-ups to eat here.”

28. “No one ever mentioned there’d be so many kids on board.”

29. “Yessiree, this is the 32nd cruise for me and the misses, here.”

30. “I hear that the locals are (multiple choice) unfriendly; anti-American; rip-off artists; (or) always taking a siesta.”

31. “You’ll never catch me on that big a ship.”

32. “We’re counting on you to be first at karaoke.”

33. “If you ever get down our way, stop by.”

34. “Will we feel anything when we cross the equator?”

35. “How do you pronounce ‘Kjell’ anyway?”

36. “My travel agent promised me there would be plenty of singles on board.”

37. “How much did they charge you for that?”

38. “How did you manage to get a table for two?”

39. “Are you going to the ‘How to tie a pareu’ class?”

40. “Sure the captain is charming, but I can’t understand a word he says.”

41. “And for your poolside pleasure, please enjoy our disco band.”

42. “Surely you’re not going to sit out the limbo contest.”

43. “The ships doctor claims he never saw symptoms like mine before.”

44. “I begged you to take the pill before the seas got rough, but no….”

45. “I’m Buffy. You traveling alone?”

46. “I’m Muffin. I hear you met my friend, Buffy.”

47. “At the Masquerade Contest, we’re dressing as a bunch of grapes. Want to join us?”

48. “Tell the truth: Didn’t you expect your cabin to be bigger?”

49. “I think they’re all gigolos.”

50. “You wouldn’t believe our dry-cleaning bill.”

51. “At these prices, the washing powder should be free.”

52. “I thought you could use U.S. postage stamps everywhere.”

53. “They haven’t shown a single movie I want to see.”

54. “Do you have any idea what they must earn in tips each year?”

55. “Did you hear about the couple who missed the ship?”

56. “But how do I know that it’s actually 18-karat gold?”

57. “Don’t forget snowball jackpot bingo at 3.”

58. “If you want to take a tender, you have to line up and get a number.”

59. “The violinists will table-hop and play any song you request.”

60. “I hear the cruise director pockets the profit.”

61. “If I go ashore alone, what time will I be back?”

62. “No one ever mentioned a thing about a rainy season.”

63. “Who can dance to that kind of music?”

64. “Want to share a cab with us and the three kids?”

65. “I should have requested a table change on the very first night.”

66. “We’re having trouble with our (multiple choice): remote control; radio; telephone; (or) relationship.”

67. “Do the loud speakers bother anyone?”

68. “For $65, I expect more than a massage.”

69. “How do I tell him that I hate cherries jubilee?”

70. “Would you be our fourth for bridge?”

71. “Where can I buy a fifth of vodka, cheap?”

72. “They say we’ll see our luggage at the next port.”

73. “I don’t care how small the island is, they could have found air-conditioned buses.”

74. “Do you have any water pressure in your shower?”

75. “I was hoping they’d have a wet T-shirt contest.”

76. “All I know is I never got seasick before.”

77. “How do you know if the ship’s photographer took pictures of you?”

78. “Don’t tell me, you’re a Scorpio.”

79. ” He told me it was a very special price - just for me.”

80. “Who knew? I thought the merengue was something you eat.”

81. “You mean he gets tipped, too?”

82. “It’s just an island - beaches, trees, lagoons. What’s the big deal?”

83. “I have nothing against them, I’d just rather not be sailing with them.”

84. “Now, who knows the lyrics to ‘Yellow Bird?”’

85. “We’re going to the Gala Deck Buffet, but only to take pictures.”

86. “Forget it, he has a wife and four kids back in Greece.”

87. “Do you think the performers are real professionals?”

88. “Who needed to spend two hours at (multiple choice): a museum; an ox cart factory; a cathedral; a shopping mall; (or) a snake ranch?”

89. “You can bet I’ll mention that on my cruise evaluation questionnaire.”

90. “Someone should tell the chef about spices.”

91. “We didn’t think ‘obstructed’ meant no view at all.”

92. “What in the world were they moving around on deck at 4 a.m.?”

93. “And we left gorgeous weather back home.”

94. “For my money, you can never have too many days at sea.”

95. “Our longitude and latitude is….”

96. “Sure the guide gets a kickback.”

97. “Why would they schedule two things at the same time?”

98. “I hear they put him off at the last port.”

99. “As soon as we get home, we’re going to (multiple choice): get our pictures developed; call our travel agent; kiss the kids; write to the president of this cruise line; get a divorce; (or) plan our next cruise.”

MEMO: Free-lance writer Marty Leshner loves to cruise and, for the record, has made a few of these comments himself.