Sensitivity, Caring More Important Than Technique

Dear Ann Landers: This is in response to “Second Place in Buffalo,” who is hung up on the fact that her husband has had previous lovers and worries that she is going to suffer by comparison. (She had no previous experience.)

“Buffalo” worried that their sex life won’t “mean as much to him” since she will not be his first. Let me dispel this myth. I am a 24-year-old female. My first time was horrible - a real nightmare. I was 18 and “in love.” My partner was 20, also a virgin, and didn’t know what he was doing either. “Instinct” was supposed to take over (or so we were told), but somehow, instinct failed. The experience was a total disaster. We both ended up embarrassed, frustrated and unfulfilled.

Secondly, the young woman expressed concern about her lack of experience. Once again, I have been there and done that. My two serious relationships were with men who were virgins. My times with them were much more satisfying than with my first experienced lover. The men who lacked experience were both caring and sensitive, and that is what really mattered. - Louisiana Lady

Dear Lady: The most important sexual organ is the brain. This is why sensitivity and caring are far more important than technique and experience. Your letter was a testimonial to that theory. Thanks for expressing it so well.

Dear Ann Landers: Women can be batterers, too. My brother was emotionally battered. His wife, a full-time mother, punished him by not feeding the children and not cleaning the house. She alienated family and friends and threatened him, saying custody is almost always awarded to the mother.

To stay with his children, my brother gave in to her screaming fits and sacrificed himself. After 12 years, he was unrecognizable, exhausted and wearing rumpled, dirty clothing. (She refused to do laundry.) She spent $18,000 on psychics and fed the children out of cans while he worked 50 hours a week.

Thank God, he woke up when he saw how much his children were suffering and how they were learning hatred and abusive behavior by her example. The case is currently in the courts, and we pray the judge understands. - Palm Springs, Calif.

Dear Palm Springs: Your brother’s wife sounds mentally ill. I hope she gets professional help and he has a good attorney who will prove his case. Please let me know how this turns out.

Dear Ann Landers: I am sending you a column you printed a long time ago that really impressed me. Would you please print it again? I think it’s time for people to see it once more. - Edith in Granite City, Ill.

Dear Edith: Thank you for sending it on. When life’s problems seem overwhelming, it helps to look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself fortunate. Here it is:

The Cross Room

The young man was at the end of his rope. Seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer. “Lord, I can’t go on,” he said. “I have too heavy a cross to bear.” The Lord replied, “My son, if you can’t bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then, open that other door, and pick out any cross you wish.”

The man was filled with relief. “Thank you, Lord,” he sighed, and he did as he was told. Upon entering the other door, he saw many crosses, some so large the tops were not visible. Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall. “I’d like that one, Lord,” he whispered. And the Lord replied, “My son, that is the cross you just brought in.”