Use Least Embarrasing Method

Dear Miss Manners: Just after lunch at a day-long meeting on probability and statistics, an invited speaker gave an hour talk on Ertang’s formula and differential equations. A few minutes into the presentation I heard an odd sound behind me, like the sound of snoring.

Some minutes later, the sound had not stopped, so I turned around to see, and somebody about five rows behind me was asleep and making the sound. The person next to him saw my interest and pointed to the sleeper and smiled.

I was shocked, but I did not know what to do. I was seated in the center of the front row, quite close to the speaker, so I am sure that he heard the snoring, but he pretended not to notice. I looked about for the organizer, but he was in a far corner of the room and perhaps did not know what was going on. I was not on the committee, so I did nothing. Please tell me who ought to have acted and what ought to have been done.

Gentle Reader: Unless this is your first meeting ever, Miss Manners congratulates you on being shocked that someone fell asleep. What are meetings for?

Not that people toddle off to meetings because they feel sleepy and want some nice, comfy resting place where, with any luck, the lights will be dimmed for slides. Nobody intends to nod off; it just happens. (Note to Gentle Readers who are springing up to inform Miss Manners snippily that this could be caused by an illness: She is already making the point that nobody falls asleep in public on purpose, and for the purposes of etiquette, the physical cause doesn’t matter.)

While it is polite to attempt to stop the noise for the sake of the speaker and listeners, politeness also requires doing so in a way that will minimize the eventual embarrassment for the sleeper.

Crossing the room to wake him or having the organizer do so would result in the sleeper’s waking up to general laughter at his expense. The person who could have done it with a gentle tap - ideally a tap that awakes the sleeper without his realizing why - is the person sitting next to him. Having caught this person’s eye, you could quietly have gestured for him to do so.

Dear Miss Manners: It’s hard to know when a car’s taillights are not working properly unless someone other than the person driving the car lets the driver know. The police will tell you about it, but they’ll also give you a ticket.

I have tried a couple of times recently to warn drivers that their brake light had burnt out, catching up with them at a stoplight and shouting out the passenger-side window.

They seemed appreciative once they understood what I was saying, but up to that point I got looks of suspicion and fear, not a surprising response in this era of “road rage” and car-jackings.

Is there a safe and courteous way to give helpful information to a stranger in another car? Or should I just shrug it off and say, “not my problem”?

Gentle Reader: As if crime and rudeness didn’t cause enough damage to society, they are, as you noticed, frightening good people out of offering or accepting help from strangers. Miss Manners isn’t surprised about these reactions, either, but she is horrified.

So while she can’t argue with those who are fearful or suspicious, she does beg you not to stop offering needed courtesies. It might help if, instead of merely pulling up and shouting - the modern experience of shouts from strangers not being a happy one - you first observe road sign language by pointing to the other car’s taillights.

xxxx

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate