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Pass the bota bag

Dan Shaughnessy in the Boston Globe: “Thank God for the Red Sox. Ever cheerless. And now beer-less.

“The Sox open their 1998 season on the West Coast, then come home for the grand Fenway lidlifter on Friday, April 10, against the Seattle Mariners. Since this date represents both Good Friday and the eve of Passover, the Sox have delayed the start of the game until 3:05 p.m. and decreed that there will be no alcoholic beverages sold at Fenway.

“No beer at Fenway? In the words of the immortal Butch from the Cape, ‘The only thing worse than watching these Red Sox is watching them sober.”’

49ers Policy in dealing with Raiders

It is not surprising that San Francisco president Carmen Policy, for one, is shedding no tears for Raiders owner Al Davis.

“I guess the word’s out,” he said. “Our relationship with the Raiders organization is not the best. We don’t see eye-to-eye. We don’t mix in the same circles. Our view of the NFL is light years away from their view of the NFL. We can’t even arrange for a preseason game once a year. But we have a lot of friends in their organization and they have players we’d love to have. We don’t root against them. It’s like it was during the Cold War. You didn’t want to see innocent, wonderful, God-fearing Russians suffer, but you never felt bad if the USSR stumbled as a country. So on the basis of our patriotism toward the NFL, it would be unfair to say our heart sinks if they don’t do well.”

No rudders allowed

Matt Zelen dived into the pool to start the 100-yard butterfly, then remembered something. He’d forgotten to tie his racing suit.

When the St. John’s University junior felt his suit sliding off, he decided to kick it off and finish the race.

Zelen, a contender for the 2000 Olympics, would have won the race at the College of St. Benedict/St. John’s University Invitational on Saturday night by more than 2 seconds. But Zelen was stripped of more than just his suit - he was disqualified for violating a uniform code.

Zelen was laughing so hard, he forgot to breathe for almost the whole first length.

“It was hilarious, but it’s too bad so many people were there,” Zelen said. “I wish it could have been a nice, quiet dual meet with nobody there.”

Although Zelen swam other events during the competition, he said he continued only because it was the butterfly.

“If it would have been the backstroke, I obviously would have stopped,” he said.

No disrespect intended

Chicago Bulls rebounding star Dennis Rodman tangled with New York Knicks forward Larry Johnson during a recent game and then really let him have it afterward, saying, “What’s the guy’s name who makes $90 million? Larry something?

“He’s out there, I mean, come on, give some of that money to charity. Don’t be stealing from the league. He thinks his game is so incredible.

“He better go buy a game with that $90 million. I was teasing him all game, ‘You all got a good team. This is you-all’s year.’ But he won’t be seeing us in the playoffs. They’re going to get knocked out in the first round.”

The last word …

“If you wanted to play just 30 games a year, you should have stayed in college.”

- Celtics coach Rick Pitino, to one of his players who complained he was tired.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo