Bottom Lines A Satirical Look At Topics In The News

Let me put this in historical perspective Our beloved republic has survived British invasions, civil wars and world wars. Yet will it survive its biggest crisis ever? In which the president may or may not have been dumb enough to make whoopie on the Oval Office rug with an intern? History quivers in the balance.

At least ONE of her statements must be right

This is a complicated issue, hinging on whether a 24-year-old intern told the truth under oath, or whether she told the truth to a friend. I, personally, try to uphold the highest standards of truth when talking to friends, especially friends who are wearing an FBI wire.

Turning to other White House topics

So, isn’t that Buddy a cute little old puppy? (Sorry, just trying to change the subject).

Whatever you do, don’t call me crazy

It was surprisingly easy to talk Ted Kaczynski into a plea-bargain deal. His attorneys had only to say, “You’d be nuts to turn this down!”

The court is still deliberating on the most important question

Tom DiBartolo got 26 years for killing his wife, but here’s the most crucial question for Tom: Will all of his girlfriends get conjugal visits?

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 3 Photos

MEMO: Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s look at issues in the news. The views are the writer’s.