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Tue., March 3, 1998, midnight

An Olympic-sized comedy

Bruce Keidan of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette had a long list of beefs on the recently concluded Winter Olympics. Here’s No. 1 on his list:

“They are run by crackpots and imbeciles. The initials IOC are an abbreviation for I’m an Officious Clown.

Maybe CBS is on to something

Art Spander writing in the Oakland Tribune: “So why is everyone knocking CBS? That was an absolutely brilliant idea delaying the showing of (Winter) Olympic events until we didn’t care.

“They should try the same with NFL games this fall. Indianapolis Colts vs. Cincinnati Bengals at midnight would be perfect.”

Catching more than passes

San Francisco 49ers wide receiver Jerry Rice was found by police in a massage parlor with a history of prostitution, authorities said.

Police were serving papers to shut down the MV Spa on when Rice emerged from a bathroom. He and other customers were not detained.

“It was more civil than criminal - the business was abated because they did not have a proper permit,” said Mountain View police spokeswoman Julie Rand. “There have been cases of prostitution in the past - I don’t know how recent they were.”

No arrests were made.

Rice told local media he was in the establishment for only a few minutes. He said teammates had told him the “hot towel wrap” spa was a good place to get a deep-tissue massage.

“I think they played a trick on me. I was there 5 minutes. … It didn’t take me long to put 2 and 2 together.”

Rice said as soon as he realized the parlor was not legitimate, he excused himself to the bathroom in preparation to leave. That’s when police walked in.

“I was blown away,” Rice said.

Don’t stick that neck out too far

San Diego pitching coach Dave Stewart believes the Padres’ starting rotation can match up with Atlanta’s.

He compares Kevin Brown, Andy Ashby, Joey Hamilton and Sterling Hitchcock to Greg Maddux, John Smoltz, Denny Neagle and Tom Glavine.

“I’m going to stick my neck out and say it: I believe this is a World Series-quality pitching staff.”

Sterling Hitchcock? Enough said.

He starts at the 19th hole

George A. Linnelli, in a letter to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette: “I’ll never forget what pro golfer Cary Middlecoff told Ted Williams when Ted asked him why he was drinking a cocktail before a golf match.

“Cary said, ‘Ted, I’m not an athlete, I’m a golfer.”’

The last word …

“Even though war has been avoided, the word is out the Clinton administration may try some covert action to try to topple Saddam Hussein.

“Rather than bombing him, what they’re going to do is send the U.S. Olympic hockey team over there and have them trash the place.”

- Jay Leno

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo

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