It’s kids game, but at least act like grown-up

After 30 years as a player, it’s been quite an eye-opening trip on the uncharted waters of umpiring. And, nearing the end of my first season of “being the blue,” it’s all I can do not to yell, “Man overboard!” If I’ve learned anything, it’s this – with God as my witness, I will never ever yell at an umpire again.

If you really want to grow as a player, walk in the steel-toed shoes of the umpire for a season. And if you’re smart, don’t forget the cotton. After a season of observing many of the same players, I know those whom I respect. These players, both men and women, take the game as it comes, hit and field to the best of their abilities, and never offer excuses. I’ve seen catches that outclass the nightly highlights on ESPN, all done solely for the love of the game. I also know the teams/players that make Alka-Seltzer required – if you happen to be lucky enough to be at a field where the water fountain works.

I’d like to offer a few suggestions to improve the local softball leagues and at the same time clear up some umpiring misconceptions.

One, the umpires are often paid. How much? Page 206 of our rulebook says I’ll have to go Condeleeza Rice on you and simply state, “I am not permitted to divulge that information.” Please note at current pay rates, no ump is going to be driving to a game in a Cadillac. The “blue” is there for the love of the game. Umps get especially creative when one team is short players, enlisting everyone but the family dog, just to make sure a game is played. We don’t take the money and run … and not just because if we could run, we would still be playing. We are/were players, too, and we know what matters.

Second, umpires are given a rulebook that would make an IRS agent proud. Rule 10, section 8, subparagraph C has eight items governing just what the umpire wears. Do we know every nook and cranny of the rulebook? No. But we darn sure try. We attend months of classes prior to the start of the new season, go to clinics, take tests and get rated by our peers.

Third, umpires are expected to be a direct descendent of Solomon, with the visual acuity of Sherlock Holmes. We’re judged not as a one-man crew trying to be everywhere, but by people’s familiarity with the four-man crews we see calling baseball games on TV. Three more guys to share the workload would be most welcome, trust me. I’ll settle for two come tournament time.

Fourth, the facilities need to be improved. Plantes Ferry has some great fields, and with proper planning, great drainage as well. Kudos to the engineers involved. Curses to the guy who decided one bathroom each for men and women would suffice for five fields. I can smell an accountant and not a player/parent involved in that decision. Drag the “dentist’s delight” fields at junior highs or schedule the games elsewhere.

Fifth, remind players with strongly worded signs on every field that smoking is not permitted on school grounds, beer is not permitted in parks like Plantes Ferry, and that a code of conduct is expected of players and spectators alike. The ump ends up being a one-man enforcement crew, and that’s unrealistic. In a men’s tournament game recently, there was a disagreement over a call at first, resulting in a player cursing the ump, kicking dirt at the “blue,” and eventually landing a kick. Suspensions that last years have to result from such outlandish behavior.

But I do see signs of hope. As I umped in that same men’s tournament, one player got verbally out of line with his own team, in front of everyone. The coach warned the player, and when the conduct continued, he removed him. We need more players/coaches that demonstrate the same standard of sportsmanship.

Softball and baseball are kids games that grown-ups rightfully can’t let go. It’s when we lose the kidlike innocence that these great games are damaged. At one game, a player tore a muscle and writhed in agony at home plate. Moving him was out of the question until we determined the extent of the injury. As he lay moaning, the other team’s coach said to me, “We have to move him… . We’re running out of daylight.” Perspective, people, perspective.