June 28, 2004 in Idaho

And the award for the most terrible Monday goes to…

By The Spokesman-Review
 
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(Full-size photo)

Don’t gripe about Monday and the beginning of another long work week, until you’ve heard Steve Massey’s tale of woe. Massey? He’s the Hayden Bible Church padre and one of our religion columnists. On June 16, Massey’s day began with a computer meltdown. And a fax machine malfunction. Since he couldn’t send his biweekly column to us from his church, he went home to e-mail – and found a geyser shooting from a broken sprinkler in his back yard. En route home, his rearview mirror’d inexplicably fallen off. All this in the morning and at least six hours before he dropped a large ceramic tray into his porcelain sink, where it became wedged, rendering the sink and the tray unusable. Before Bible study. The study went well. But a trip to Fernan Lake with his son for night fishing afterward was ill-fated, too. Everything was OK until their propane lantern was knocked into the lake – and exploded. P’haps the rev should stick to fishing for men.

Reality TV WSU style

So, your kid’s looking forward to new college roommates this fall? Ahaha. Before he left WSU to pursue his master’s at Syracuse, Ben Hawken of WSU’s Daily Evergreen compared college living to reality TV “except you don’t have some sweet apartment to come home to, the fights aren’t staged, and you have to pay rent.” One ex-roomie, he said, carried five knives. Another was both bipolar and narcoleptic. A third left two dead pheasants in the kitchen sink for three days. Another walked around the apartment naked at all times. One thought the “Matrix” was real and movies were documentaries. Yet another used unleaded gas to ignite barbecue briquets. And they all lacked the gene that enables people to wash dishes. Quoth Ben: “I’ve had every kind of bizarre, demonic and all-out crazy roommate you can possibly think of.” Just think, Ben and his ex-roommates will be running the country when I’m collecting what’s left of Social Security.

Poet’s corner

“On downtown streets two hours are free/But it’s not wise to try for three,/For carefully your tires we’re marking/And you don’t mess with Diamond Parking” – The Bard of Sherman Avenue (“CDA Free Parking”) … Advertising Ya Can’t Buy: In the July issue of Sunset mag, writer Julie Fanselow and photog Glenn Oakley use three pages (42 to 44) to lionize the new 72-mile Trail of the Coeur d’Alenes and little Harrison, Idaho … After seeing the readerboard at the Ash and Garland Car Wash on Father’s Day, J.O. Donnald sang the praise of clever vandals – you know, the ones that rearranged letters advertising that Father’s Day special of 10 washes for $29.95. Add an R and delete an H – and you’ve transformed Good Old Dad into someone flatulent … Bumpersnicker (on a Dodge Impala with Washington plates) with license numbers “91101” across the front, mimicking a hunting license, and: “Terrorist Hunting Permit.”

Huckleberries

You’re an usher at the Coeur d’Alene Summer Theatre, and there’s a big, bearded man with a long gun nearby about to enter an auditorium full of people. What to do? Huckleberries hears that one usher was alarmed until the bearded stranger, Noel Barbuto, who plays brother Adam, began singing as he made his grand entrance to open “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” … In the “Unclear on the Concept” dept., a sign on The Pawn Shop on CdA’s Kathleen Avenue said: “Way beyond your expectations. If it is in stock, we have it!” … Signs of the Times: At Car d’Lane, three young women with beer in their hands draped over a ceramic Moose on the Loose at Second and Sherman – one which, like its 25 EXCEL fund-raising mates, came with a sign: “Do not touch.” And: At a private beach along West Lakeshore Drive, which homeowners graciously open to the public, a woman with a black lab sitting under a sign: “No dogs allowed.” What’s wrong with these pictures? … Yes, the Moose on the Loose – all male – are anatomically correct. To be sure, I peeked under “Walk Softly, and Look for Tracks” Moose in front of the S-R building – and CdA attorney Steve McCrea caught me doing so. Ah, can you help me find my contact lens? … The “firearm” that landed Jeremy Carlson back behind bars after he and three other ex-cons moved into a Coeur d’Alene neighborhood? A potato gun-type device. He made the contraption himself. D’oh! … A readerboard message at the Valley Shepherd Nazarene Church in Meridian, Idaho, passed along by CdA’s Ann Nelson: “Be ye fishers of men. You catch ‘em. He’ll clean ‘em.”

Parting shot

On Tuesday, four days after President Bush visited Spokane to stump for U.S. Rep. George Nethercutt, The Spokesman-Review Editorial Board received a reply to its invitation for the prez to drop by for a chat. The White House letter said the “valuable opportunity” to meet with the Editorial Board while Dubya’s in town was under consideration. After receiving the letter, with tongue firmly cheeked, colleague Gary Crooks e-mailed the rest of the E-Board: “My guess is that there’s no need to clear your calendars.”


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