Time to stop casting blame on Eddie Ray

Wherever Eddie Ray Hall is, I hope he can find a newspaper to steal. He needs to read what I’m about to say.

I’m sorry, Eddie Ray.

By now Spokane County’s one-man crime tsunami needs no introduction. Nor should it come as a surprise that Eddie Ray is again being sought by the law.

In a progression that has become embarrassingly redundant, the 40-year-old career criminal with nearly 50 arrests and a dozen adult felony convictions bonded out of jail recently only to tumble back into the errors of his ways.

Documents filed by the county prosecutor’s office give us a glimpse of what happened.

On the night of April 10, Eddie Ray was stopped in Spokane Valley by a traffic cop for driving without his headlights on. Not able to produce a valid driver’s license (it expired in 1994), Eddie Ray “ran away from the traffic stop,” stated the officer in his report.

Nobody will ever use the term “evil genius” when referring to Eddie Ray Hall.

In an unrelated matter, a recent lab report notes that an Eddie Ray drug screening came back as “not consistent with normal human urine.”

Six words that should never be uttered over a dinner table.

On April 13, a bench warrant was issued for Eddie Ray. His latest difficulties violate the conditions of his release from jail pending trial on possession of drugs and stolen property. There is also a bail jumping for a previous failure to appear.

And the beat goes on.

Which brings us back to my contrition.

I never should have blamed Eddie Ray for his actions. What’s the point?

Blaming Eddie Ray makes as much sense as blaming fecal matter for an E. coli outbreak.

This man can’t go straight any more than a garden slug can crawl across a patio without leaving a slime trail.

So I’m sorry for revising that Johnny Cash classic, “I Walk the Line,” in Eddie Ray’s honor when he got out of the slammer last October after a near six-year stay.

He’d take the motor off your motor boat.

He’d take your piggy bank and mamma’s new fur coat.

He’d snatch the whiskers off a Billy goat.

He’ll steal it all.

Eddie Ray Hall.

I’m sorry for yukking it up at Eddie Ray’s expense after he was booked into jail last November on that drug and stolen property beef.

Remember? That’s when during a strip search he pulled a suspicious bundle out of his nether regions and – to the shock and horror of humanity – swallowed it.

Eddie Ray is a Class A malefactor. He’s been a tick attached to the rump of humanity since his youth when he clubbed a teenager over the head to steal his baby-sitting money.

As a result, we taxpayers have shelled out $1 million-plus paying for Eddie Ray’s defense fees, prison stays and medical bills.

If only Eddie Ray Hall had spent his time plucking guitar strings instead of plundering the county. He’d be Eddie Van Halen.

Well, the time has come to stop blaming Eddie Ray and start blaming the judges who keep setting bonds affordable enough for Eddie Ray to leave the confines of his jail cell.

Some progress is being made in this area, I’m told.

Sharon Hedlund, the Spokane County deputy prosecutor handling the case, said Eddie Ray has received the highest bonds she’s ever seen for someone charged with nonviolent Class C felonies.

Last January, says Hedlund, his bonds were upped to a total of $100,000 for the three charges.

Obviously, it wasn’t enough. Eddie Ray somehow managed to satisfy the fiscal requirements through a local bail bonds agency.

So I offer a plan.

The next judge who sets a bond on Eddie Ray needs to base the amount on what this crook has cost society.

You’ve heard of Million Dollar Baby? It’s time for a judge to create Million Dollar Eddie.