NBA drowning in the Atlantic
In the still of the night, before David Stern could reach for a whistle, someone backed up the truck and dumped the NBA’s Atlantic Division into our laps.
It is a group of teams – New Jersey, Boston, New York, Toronto and Philadelphia – so horrifying, to look at the Atlantic standings is to stare into a bleak abyss of basketball wilderness.
Every team in the Atlantic Division is under .500. Many of them are, like, way under .500, so far under they’re closer to China than .500.
The rallying cry in these parts?
“First team to 30 wins is going to the dance!!!”
The best player in the division – Allen Iverson – is in self-exile. The best guards in the division – Isiah Thomas (Knicks), Maurice Cheeks (76ers) and Doc Rivers (Celtics) – are on the bench, beleaguered head coaches. The best team in the division – the New Jersey Nets – recently scored 157 points in a game and lost.
Let’s consider those Nets for a moment.
The good news is that this is a contract year for Vince Carter; the bad news is that he might be negotiating that contract with Wu-Tang Clan.
Perhaps some of you know that music impresario Jay-Z is a part-owner of the Nets. The rapper is helping spearhead a drive for a new arena in Brooklyn, where the Nets hope to relocate. Here is Jay-Z’s Brooklyn, as characterized with the opening lyrics from his song, “Brooklyn’s Finest”:
“You (blank), think you big time?/
(Blank) with Jay-Z, you gon’ die, big time!/
Here come the ‘Pain’! (sound of gunshots)
Golly jeepers, I love this game.
Frankly, this is mild stuff for Jay-Z. Sure, he reportedly only owns less than one percent of the team, but Jay-Z’s just as much a face of the Nets as is Jason Kidd. And considering commissioner Stern is a despotic image czar, you have to ask:
What the (blank) is going on here?
As for the on-court quality of the Nets and their rivals, an all-star team culled from the Atlantic Division these days might finish third in the Atlantic Coast Conference. Heck, the Washington Generals could win the Atlantic Division, assuming they ever came to their senses and fired Red Klotz.
In fact, the Atlantic Division could plummet to historic depths, potentially challenging what social critics consider to be the three worst collective examples of post-1950 American culture:
The Van Patten Hollywood dynasty: Dick Van Patten, Joyce Van Patten, Timothy Van Patten, Vince Van Patten, Nels Van Patten, James Van Patten and Talia Balsam, daughter of Joyce Van Patten and Martin Balsam. That’s a lot of chewed-up scenery. To be fair, Timothy has directed a lot of classy TV shows and Dick and Vince have been visionary poker commentators.
Burger King’s current breakfast menu: The fare includes the Croissan’wich, the Double Croissan’wich, French Toast Sticks and the Enormous Omelet Sandwich, which is “crispy bacon, sizzlin’ sausage, melted American cheese and fluffy eggs piled high on a split-top bun.” Gout not included.
ABC’s Friday primetime comedy lineup, 1988-89 season: We’re talking “Full House,” “Perfect Strangers,” “Mr. Belvedere” and “Just the Ten of Us.” Yeah, like we needed to see three guys raising three kids, a Bronson Pinchot buddy comedy, Bob Uecker not calling baseball and a spinoff of “Growing Pains.”
Now, here’s the great thing about the Atlantic Division. Let’s say you’re the A.I.-less 76ers on an 11-game losing streak with a record of 5-18 – if you can win, say, six of your next 15 games, you could move into first place!
Maybe Jay-Z will pen a rap about the Atlantic Division. I’m sure he’ll use bad words.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Does breaking his wrist falling out of a golf cart put NASCAR’s Jimmie Johnson in the Dumb Hall of Fame? (Stephen Pierce; New Berlin, Wis.)
A. In the summer of ‘62, I suffered a sports hernia when I fell out of a shopping cart at Safeway reaching for Fritos.
Q. In college football, why isn’t the play whistled dead when the holder of a field goal or extra point has one knee on the ground while holding the ball? (Dave Dickerson; Pittsburgh)
A. Boy, that would cut down on field goal and PAT attempts, now wouldn’t it?
Q. Had you taken steroids, do you think your number of ex-wives would’ve exceeded Barry Bonds’ home run total? (Tom Hoffner; Broadview Heights, Ohio)
A. Actually, it’s possible I would’ve been the Babe Ruth of bigamists.
Q. Any truth to the rumor that NFL Films will title the 2006 Cincinnati Bengals highlight video “The Longest Yard”? (Dave Scocca; Carrboro, N.C.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.