Getting into WBC takes a real effort

When Abner Doubleday was sitting in Elihu Phinney’s cow pasture in Cooperstown, N.Y., in 1839, I doubt he ever envisioned the World Baseball Classic. Then again, he may never have even envisioned baseball.

(Of course, Doubleday was credited with inventing the game for years, despite considerable evidence to the contrary. Baseball historians now trace the origin of baseball to 1825; I believe it goes back to a much earlier time. For instance, when Christopher Columbus “discovered” the New World in 1492, after he checked in to an overpriced bed-and-breakfast, he reportedly showed up in the third inning of a 7:35 p.m. baseball game that evening at Plymouth Rock Field, blaming traffic for being late.)

When I have been sitting on my sofa from the 1960s until the present moment, I never envisioned watching the World Baseball Classic.

But as we have found out time and again – “The Tyra Banks Show” being the latest example – sooner or later, they put anything on TV.

Should we be interested in the World Baseball Classic? Yes, we should.

Are we interested in the World Baseball Classic? No, we’re not.

And why not? Because …

I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY MANAGED TO CRAM ANOTHER MEGA-EVENT ONTO THE SPORTS CALENDAR!

How much are we supposed to pay attention to at one time? I’ll sleepily toggle between “The O’Reilly Factor” and “Hardball With Chris Matthews,” but this is getting ridiculous.

At the moment, I’m trying to follow March Madness, exhibition baseball, the NBA, the NFL, the PGA, the PBA, NASCAR, Formula One racing, arena football, the road to the Kentucky Derby, the Iditarod, the Hasim Rahman-James Toney heavyweight title fight, the Southern California Regional Division III girls basketball playoffs, MLS roster cuts, just a tad of tennis and the World Poker Tour.

Like I’ve got room in my mental Rolodex for Korea-Chinese Taipei partial scores?

Two expressions – one that you hear on the TV ads and one that you don’t – come to mind in regard to the inaugural WBC:

“I’ll be there for my country, will you be there for yours?”

“Tickets still available.”

Where are we supposed to find time to watch these games? Believe you me, if I’m in Kissimmee, Fla., and have a choice between paying $15.99 for a sizzlin’ ribeye skillet at Applebee’s or $21 for a bleacher seat at Venezuela vs. Australia, I’m saying, “Table for one!”

Plus, did you see that Team USA almost was eliminated from this thing after two games? It’s our game and we have our best players there – other than maybe Barry Bonds – and there was a chance we got bounced before Round 2?

(By the way, at this point Franciscan monks on the Galapagos Islands say they’ve witnessed Barry Bonds using steroids.)

I tuned in to the U.S.-South Africa game on ESPN; it was win-or-go-back-to-spring- training for the Americans. Greg Papa kept talking about “big-time pressure” for Team USA while his broadcast partner, Steve Stone, kept talking about an American victory being a foregone conclusion. Final score: U.S. 17, South Africa 0. Advantage, Stone.

Then I turned on ESPN Deportes, which is televising every game, and I could not understand a word they were saying.

Frankly, I’m already exhausted watching maybe 15 minutes of two games – and there’s still a week to go!

No one I know is that excited about the World Baseball Classic.

Then again, I’m reminded of when I was working on an oil rig in southern Uruguay – geez, this must’ve been the late 1920s or early ‘30s – and a couple of Abner Doubleday wannabes over at FIFA decided to hold the first soccer World Cup down there. Uruguay beat Argentina for the title, probably 1-0. Nobody cared – “SportsCenter” didn’t even mention it. And now look how big that whole World Cup business has become. Who knew?

Ask The Slouch

Q. Do you think the reason your alma mater, Maryland, is not in the NCAA men’s basketball tournament is that the team concentrated on academics this year? (Bob Craig; Fredericksburg, Va.)

A. At Maryland, we concentrate on academics every year. We’re just not very good at it.

Q. My wife has great luck each year picking teams in the NCAA tournament based on the quantity and quality of arm tattoos. Perhaps this approach would have served you well when you met your first ex-wife? (Rudy Kluiber; Cleveland)

A. I hope the two of you enjoy your buck-and-a-quarter at my expense.

Q. The recently relocated San Jose MLS franchise just changed its name from Houston 1836 to the Houston Dynamo. Why? (Dan Bartlett; Bothell, Wash.)

A. They thought it was bad P.R. that the team nickname coincided with the projected average attendance.

Q. Outside the United Center in Chicago, there is a bronzed statue of Michael Jordan. Have you been contacted by any furniture outlet stores requesting such a statue with your likeness? (Keith Szafran; Wheeling, Ill.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.