Ex-jocks vie for elbowroom

America can be a great place to live, particularly on Sundays. And if you live in America long enough – as most of us have – you know there are three major categories of NFL ex-jocks in the broadcast booth:

• Beefy White Guys

• Quarterbacks

• Shannon and Sterling Sharpe

(Boy, can the Brothers Sharpe chat it up, or what? These guys don’t talk in their sleep, they filibuster. Sterling’s more polished, Shannon’s – how should we say? – less polished. If you ask either one what day of the week it is, I guarantee you it’s not a one-word answer. Anyway, they are the first siblings to work Sunday TV since Tom and Dick Smothers.)

It all began with John Madden, Beefy White Guy Emeritus. Madden begat Matt Millen, Beefy White Guy on Temporary Leave, who begat Bill Maas, who begat Brian Baldinger. Along the way, Beefy White Guys overcrowded the airwaves from every direction: Dan Dierdorf, Paul Maguire, Howie Long, Randy Cross, Tim Ryan, Mark Schlereth, Darryl Johnston, Tony Siragusa.

Ah, but for every Beefy White Guy manning the TV trenches, there is a quarterback assuming the usual marquee position.

(By the way, occasionally a non-Beefy White Guy or non-quarterback will slip through the system – like Cris Collinsworth or Tom Jackson or Solomon Wilcots or Steve Tasker – but this is generally due to a clerical error by the networks’ personnel departments.)

Old quarterbacks never die, they just fade back and take a five-step drop into television.

And as you and I both know – remember, we live in America – the quarterback always gets the best gals and the quarterback always gets the best jobs.

CBS’s No. 1 game analyst is Phil Simms. Fox’s No. 1 analyst is Troy Aikman. ESPN’s No. 1 analyst is Joe Theismann. The top studio voices disproportionately are ex-QBs: CBS has Dan Marino and Norman Esiason, Fox has Terry Bradshaw, ESPN has Steve Young.

(Memo to Tony Kornheiser: Let me recall for you a telling, not-so-distant moment from ESPN’s “Sunday Night Football.” It was Nov. 30, 2003, Buccaneers at Jaguars, and during a replay challenge on a Ronde Barber interception, this is what Maguire said to Mike Patrick about fellow booth mate Theismann: “You argue with him for a while. I’m tired.” Good luck and God speed.)

Beyond the top guns, lesser quarterbacks such as Steve Beuerlein (CBS), Rich Gannon (CBS), Ron Jaworski (ESPN) and Sean Salisbury (ESPN) populate NFL game and studio telecasts.

Plus, almost every top TV analyst in college football is a former NFL quarterback, chaps such as Bob Griese (ABC), Dan Fouts (ABC), Doug Flutie (ABC), Pat Haden (NBC), Gary Danielson (CBS) and Todd Blackledge (ESPN). Even a quarterback who never made the NFL, Kirk Herbstreit (ESPN), is being miked up as we speak.

Naturally, Couch Slouch is somewhat disturbed that all these fine-looking, fast-audibilizing fellas are getting so many requests to babble to large audiences. They’re signal callers, not statesmen. I mean, how does barking out plays in a huddle translate to after-dinner speaking? Or broadcasting?

It’s not as if quarterbacks are inherently smarter than, say, offensive linemen or defensive backs. They all read the same playbooks, they all break the same curfew.

Sure, quarterbacks get interviewed more than their teammates, so it’s assumed they are well-spoken. This is faulty thinking. Criminals are arrested more than their neighbors – do we assume they know more about the law?

Yet when you turn on the TV any given Sunday and flip to a game, the first voice you likely will hear is that of a quarterback. Even if they’re in commercial, you’ll probably see and hear a quarterback – Peyton Manning! Heck, you don’t think Peyton will go from helmets to headsets in a heartbeat when he’s done? Have you watched him at the line of scrimmage? He’s already talking up a storm down there.

Ask The Slouch

Q. I just returned from Las Vegas – the opening over/under line on the duration of the next Couch Slouch marriage is set at 19 months. I took the “over,” plus a 40-to-1 “Team of Destiny” flyer on the Cardinals. Since you are now my hedge bet, I’d like to introduce you to the phrase that has seen me through 22 years of wedded bliss: “Yes, dear.” (Tom King; Flower Mound, Texas)

A. If you wanted to show me some real love, you would’ve played a Couch Slouch/Arizona Cardinals parlay.

Q. I see where the backup punter of Northern Colorado, Mitch Cozad, was accused of stabbing the starting punter, Rafael Mendoza, in his kicking leg. If he did it, shouldn’t Cozad get a reduced sentence for showing restraint – it’s not like he murdered the guy, he just Gillooly-ed him. (Matthew Satter; Oakland, Calif.)

A. I think Cozad just found himself a defense lawyer.

Q. Is it true that California astronomers are using B*rry Bonds bobble-heads to create artificial solar eclipses? (Dave Redic; Chester Township, Ohio)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.