Building attachments

Here are some suggestions from the Circle of Security Project to help caregivers build a secure attachment with children:

Delight in your child: Babies are “hard-wired” to experience joy with their caregivers in the early months of life. Researchers are finding that mutual joy is the basis for increased brain growth.

Hold your child: Babies soak up affection and love through their skin. Holding your baby not only provides pleasure and reassurance, it is essential in helping to soothe and organize difficult feelings.

Eye contact: Gaze into your baby’s eyes from the first day of life, and pay close attention to when your child wants to look back. At about 6 weeks, your child will regularly focus in on your eyes and read what they are “saying.” Lots of pleasurable eye contact will translate into a feeling of reassurance and connection for your baby.

Whenever possible, follow your child’s lead: Security of attachment requires a caregiver who is sensitive and responsive to her/his child’s needs. Your willingness to answer subtle requests for attention, comfort, holding, exploration and discovery (with you nearby) will provide an increased sense of security for your child.

You can’t spoil a baby: Contrary to those who may be saying that you will harm your child if you are “too responsive” to her/his needs, it isn’t possible to spoil a baby in the first 9-10 months of life. Researchers are finding that the most responsive parents actually have children who are less demanding and more self-reliant as they grow older.

Stay with your child during difficult feelings: Young children often have upset feelings (anger, hurt, sadness, fear) that are too difficult to manage on their own. When your child has an intense feeling, stay with her/him until the feeling has been worked through. Your child will be learning basic trust.

Talk out loud about feelings: From your child’s earliest days, talking out loud about feelings (your child’s and your own) will begin to help your child to eventually label feelings and realize that they can be shared. As your child gets older, she or he will realize that intense feelings can be named (mad, sad, glad and afraid) and discussed with another, thus ending a need to act them out.

Mistakes happen: Perfection is impossible in parenting. In fact, it isn’t even recommended. A child who knows that everyone in the family makes mistakes, and that they will eventually be worked out, will feel more secure than a child who thinks everything has to be right the first time.

Be bigger, stronger, wiser and kind:

At the heart of secure attachment is a child’s recognition that she or he has a parent who can be counted on to lovingly provide tenderness, comfort, firm guidance and protection during the inevitable difficulties of life.

© Cooper, Hoffman, Marvin, & Powell – 2000