Couch Slouch gives some insight on NFL coaches

What do we know about NFL coaches? They were all born between 1940 and 1975, and they are all men. In the Information Age, the public demands more – thus, Couch Slouch has created the almost unabridged Encyclopedia of NFL Coaches.

Note: Due to space limitations, we will not cover Mike Holmgren, Mike McCarthy, Mike Nolan, Mike Shanahan or Mike Tomlin, not to mention recent honchos Mike Mularkey, Mike Sherman or Mike Tice. No Mikes! Plus, we’re skipping Brad Childress, Bobby Petrino and Ken Whisenhunt due to indistinguishable features.

•Brian Billick, Ravens: He acts as if he’s the smartest one in the room. Then again, he’s often the only one in the room.

•Tony Dungy, Colts: What’s not to like? He coaches well and doesn’t yell. My pilates instructor could learn from him.

•Dick Jauron, Bills: The man went to Yale – how many wrong turns did his career have to take to wind up standing outdoors in Buffalo on December Sundays?

•Sean Payton, Saints: He’s been known to sleep in the stadium studying plays on off-days. Can’t he spring for a Holiday Inn Express?

•Andy Reid, Eagles: One of the prominent members of the Bill Walsh coaching tree, which has more branches than Bank of America.

•John Fox, Panthers: I like to think of him as part of the Jim Fassel coaching tree.

•Herm Edwards, Chiefs: If he were an air traffic controller, I’m sure days would go by without any planes landing.

•Jeff Fisher, Titans: I love the guy, but I had to send him six e-mails before he shaved that beard.

•Marvin Lewis, Bengals: It’s not reflected in the record, but replacing special teams coach with bail bondsman was a stroke of genius.

•Jon Gruden, Buccaneers: The Farrah Fawcett of NFL coaches – he has the look, does he have the game?

(Column intermission: Player of Destiny Colt Brennan rallied Hawaii from a 21-0 deficit to a 35-28 victory over Washington, completing 42 of 50 passes for 442 yards and five touchdowns. His season – 337 of 472 for 4,174 yards and 38 touchdowns, despite missing 2 1/2 games due to injury. Oh, yeah, Hawaii is 12-0. If he’s not the Heisman winner, then New York City’s not in New York.)

•Gary Kubiak, Texans: Frankly, I thought he was still the Broncos’ backup quarterback.

•Romeo Crennel, Browns: Romeo Crennel? I can see Walter or Francis or Othello or even Norman Crennel. But Romeo?

•Lovie Smith, Bears: Lovie Smith? I can see John or Chester or Thurston or even Norman Smith. But Lovie?

•Lane Kiffin, Raiders: He still gets carded at Blockbuster when he rents “Girls Gone Wild” videos.

•Wade Phillips, Cowboys: When the Cowboys get a big score or a big stop, he always looks as if he’s just heard his name called on “The Price Is Right.”

•Jack Del Rio, Jaguars: You want to wear a suit, pal? Go short some stocks for Legg Mason.

•Joe Gibbs, Redskins: I don’t want to say the Hall of Fame coach is desperate, but he just struck a deal with Interstate Batteries to sponsor his offense.

•Bill Belichick, Patriots: He seems like a nice enough fella.

•Scott Linehan, Rams: Alas, most of America thinks Mike Martz is still coaching in St. Louis.

•Rod Marinelli, Lions: The rest of America thinks Martz is head coach in Detroit, because the networks show him on the sideline more than Marinelli.

•Eric Mangini, Jets: Last year, he was Eric Man-genius. This year, he’s Bruce Coslet.

•Tom Coughlin, Giants: His sideline pout is reminiscent of an 8-year-old who’s just been told he can’t have a puppy.

•Norv Turner, Chargers: He must interview well.

•Cam Cameron, Dolphins: In his defense, when he was hired, he didn’t say anything about winning games.

Ask The Slouch

Q. The BCS or the Electoral College? (Sean Kelley; Wharton, Texas)

A. Maybe the BCS should determine the next president and the Electoral College should determine the national champion. Could we do any worse?

Q. After watching several NFL Network games, my question is: Shouldn’t the NFL Network be suspended for a year for actions detrimental to the league? (Andy Radcliffe; Frederick, Md.)

A. You’ve got NFL Network? Can my Uncle Gustave come over to watch the games?

Q. What is the perfect snack when watching poker on TV? (Matt Fleishman; Buffalo Grove, Ill.)

A. Lon always has me eat peanut butter sandwiches while we’re doing the World Series of Poker telecasts. But I think he just wants me to talk less.

Q. In the event of an “Ask The Slouch” bowl game, would the payout to both teams be $1.25? (Jim O’Brien; Racine, Wis.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.