Who’s No. 1? Question fuels arguments
Americans can be divided into two groups – those involved in BCS arguments and those who are not. I’d like to invite those who are not over next weekend for a pizza-and-Pabst party, but I don’t know if my condo is large enough to accommodate 10 or 12 people.
We have become a nation of overheated ogres, shouting down opposing views on all issues.
I mean, I can listen to Brent Musburger in overdrive during any game for up to 3 1/2 hours, but I can’t stand another nanosecond of this incessant babble about the inequity and injustice of the BCS.
The BCS is a crock – who doesn’t know that? Next.
Frankly, I believe the BCS was designed to divert attention from the nation’s domestic and foreign-policy problems. And it’s working!
Before we go any further, let’s go over The Big Picture one more time:
Should there be a national championship playoff format in college football? Yes.
Do we absolutely need a national championship playoff format in college football? No.
What we absolutely need is health care reform. And shorter lines at the post office.
Anyway, absent of a playoff system – which, incidentally, would not end the current sound and fury, it would simply redirect the sound and fury to who’s in and who’s out – we are left with the wonder and rapture that is the Bowl Championship Series.
So, who should play in the BCS title game?
No one can really tell you who is No. 1 or No. 2 or No. 22; we’re talking about teams in different parts of a very large country, facing vastly dissimilar schedules.
(Heisman update: Otherworldly Colt Brennan completed 40 of 53 passes for 495 yards and five touchdowns on national TV – and by that, I mean ESPN2, not Versus – against very-ranked Boise State. He is the Player of Destiny, my friends. What else does he have to do to prove himself, navigate the length of the Mississippi in a gondola?)
Being undefeated is no guarantee of being in the national championship game; heck, it’s no guarantee of even earning a BCS berth.
Speaking of which, the BCS says it might not have enough eligible teams for its five bowl games, which means it either has to expand the pool of schools eligible for at-large bids or have Ohio State play itself in Pasadena. Actually, I just think they’re trying to slide Notre Dame into the Fiesta Bowl.
As you may recall, the BCS standings include three components: The USA Today coaches poll, the Harris Interactive poll and an average of six computer rankings. It is an imperfect system dependent on petulant people.
I have no faith in humans – in this case, coaches and sportswriters – who are proven to be unreliable.
And who can trust a computer, or don’t you all remember the HAL 9000 in “2001: A Space Odyssey”?
Computers are good for two things – Tetris and Minesweeper.
Computers? Please. I’ll tell you how treacherous they are: A computer dating service led to my first marriage.
Besides, on any given day, a computer could have a virus, and the next thing you know, Florida International is ranked No. 4.
And I don’t need a Dell or a Mac to tell me that the Hawaii Warriors – unbeaten and unbending – are the best team on the mainland, or wherever. Isn’t Colt Brennan their quarterback?
Ask The Slouch
Q. Isn’t the NFL-vs.-cable dustup just a high-priced dogfight in which the dogs make all the money? (Larry Lipscomb; Oberlin, Ohio)
A. Precisely. In this case, the NFL took games off free TV, moved them to its own nascent network and then complained fans are denied these games by cable providers. Nice trick.
Q. So Jets fans at Giants Stadium often yell at women to expose their breasts at halftime. Were these Neanderthals raised outdoors? (Lisa Davies; Alameda, Calif.)
A. No, they were born in New Jersey and raised at Hooters of Hackensack.
Q. Your multiple failed marriages are fodder for many. Yet for every failed marriage you had to entice a woman to feel the urge to share the rest of her life with you. What is the secret to your success? (Jay Kvasnicka; Muskego, Wis.)
A. A little Old Spice, a little Perry Como. Also, I pretend to listen.