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Our voters deserve extra fancy baloney

Tue., Sept. 18, 2007

I love election years. It’s the only time when the politicians lie in our favor.

You know what I mean. During a campaign the candidate’s discourse always centers on topics designed to win us over. If elected, I, Candidate X, will:

1. Cut your taxes.

2. Increase your benefits.

3. Be so much more responsible than Candidate Z who, by the way, is a serial sheep-lover.

Once votes are counted, however, the romance becomes about as hollow as an O.J. Simpson alibi. Politicians morph back into the soulless slug-creatures they were before the campaign kicked off.

Now incumbent Candidate X spews whoppers like:

1. On the advice of my attorney, I don’t remember saying that.

2. I have a wide stance.

3. Mission accomplished!

The point is that we expect electioneering politicians to shovel the bull faster than those gibbering jerks who hawk kitchen junk on TV infomercials.

But once in a while a candidate will utter something that is too fantastic even by conventional campaign baloney standards.

Just such an incident took place in Spokane the other night at a debate where City Councilman Brad Stark squared off against his opponent, Richard Rush.

According to a newspaper account, a member of the audience asked Stark if being employed by the Associated Builders & Contractors and getting “campaign donations from development interests make him an impartial member of City Council.”

To which Stark responded:

“Money doesn’t buy influence. Money doesn’t buy votes.”

Apparently Mr. Stark is seeking office in the wonderful Land of Oz.

Money doesn’t buy influence?

Money doesn’t buy votes?

What kind of rubes does this guy take us for?

The entire American political system is based on one founding principal: Money BUYS everything.

Hey, Brad. Ever heard of Chicago?

Two words: Tobacco lobby.

Does the name Jack Abramoff ring a bell?

(Note: Hillary Clinton just gave back a truckload of dirty campaign donations. Do you think she wanted to give all that tainted loot back? Heavens no. What politician wants to do that? The poor woman just got caught.)

As far as I know Stark is not the kind of guy who would ever consume peyote, LSD or mushrooms not sanctioned by the Gonzaga University men’s basketball program.

But the councilman was certainly tripping that night.

Maybe Stark really does live in a fantasy world. He is, after all, the dude who once tried to sell Albi stadium to developers for a sack of magic beans.

But I’m not one to dwell on the negative. As always, my role is that of a kindly educator who offers gentle instructions to the dimwits around me.

And so let me give Stark and all Spokane politicians a few MORE BELIEVABLE fibs that they can use on the campaign trail besides “Money doesn’t buy influence. Money doesn’t buy votes.”

•I am Bing Crosby’s love child.

•Elect me and the North/South freeway will be running by next April.

•The Spokane River is as clean as a fresh bottle of spring water.

•The downtown meter patrol is always willing to cut a parker a break.

•Potholes? What potholes?

•That River Park Square parking garage deal was completely on the up and up.

•I do so have a pair! (For mayoral use only.)

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