Slouch can’t duck the blogs

With each passing day, I am aware that I am 24 hours closer to death and 24 hours closer to blogging.

(I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who once wrote, “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes and blogs.”)

I recently was asked to start a sports blog – I’ll get back to that a bit later. Right now, I just want to calm down the masses. My older friends are railing against blogs and my younger friends are running to them. I’d like to remind fans of all ages of a couple of thoughts:

•Blogs are not the end of the world as we know it; rather, they are an extension of a world we’ve always known.

•If you’re thinking of starting a blog, don’t; the world needs more blogs like Madonna needs more Botox.

I avoided blogs as long as I could. Some of them make me smile – thebiglead.com is my favorite – but many send me seeking cover in the corner of the shed, particularly the commenter sections.

Blogging comes in the form of the written word, but blogging is writing about as much as working the pole is dancing. Blogging is more of a one-way conversation than anything else, a neighbor who bangs on your door in the morning to complain about the fella down the street who won’t cut his front lawn.

Blogging, essentially, is talk radio on steroids.

(During my somewhat checkered and sordid career, I have turned down offers to do sports talk radio several times, primarily for three reasons: I would get tired of the sound of my own voice within a month, I cannot fathom having that many opinions every single day and I like to sleep in.)

At least the talk-radio host, after three or four hours of public proclamations, shuts down. But blogs are like 7-Eleven: They have a bunch of stuff you usually don’t need and they never close. The blogger can – and often does – operate at any time of day or night.

Flip Saunders can’t coach? Let me tell everyone how I feel!

Another blown save from Francisco Cordero? Let me tell everyone how I feel!

Just had a rare, late-afternoon bowel movement? Let me tell everyone how I feel!

If a blogger were sitting next to you in a bar, you’d stop drinking.

Now, all this blogging and bloviating raises a question: Are we more opinionated than generations past?

To answer that, I’d pose another question: Are we more violent than our ancestors? Probably not. But the means of violence have become more destructive. First there were rocks, then the bow-and-arrow, then guns, shotguns, semiautomatic rifles, cannons, grenades, tanks, bombs and, ultimately, nuclear arms.

Similarly, we always were passionate about our sports teams, but the means in which we can express that passion has changed.

In the 1930s, you might sit on your front stoop and argue; in the 1960s, you might write a letter to the editor; in the 1990s, you might call in to talk radio; nowadays, you go online and vent.

The Internet is the virtual-reality version of the A-bomb.

Our culture traditionally has spent too much time and energy on sports; blogging is simply a technological extension of this tiresome phenomenon.

So, yeah, I recently said no to starting a sports blog. Who wants more of me, other than couples counselors? And why would I want to pollute an already polluted blogosphere? As for those of you who insist on blogging on, I just ask that you be more kind and gentle, less cutting and snide.

(Sure, I know, Couch Slouch calling someone snarky is like Charles Manson calling someone macabre. But we all can change – 37 years in the joint might’ve reformed Mr. Helter Skelter just as 37 years on the sofa have reformed me.)

Besides, I’m figuring there are no blogs in heaven. Then again, I’m probably looking at purgatory, and firejoemorgan.com might make it a bit less insufferable.

Ask The Slouch

Q. How much prestige does a kicker in the Arena Football League rate? (Dave Redic; Chester Township, Ohio)

A. They still get the best tables at T.G.I. Fridays in Grand Rapids.

Q. If Brett Favre were to get his own TV channel devoted just to himself, how close would the channel come to ESPN’s coverage of Favre? (Jason Riddle; Oak Ridge, Tex.)

A. Favre’s channel would not have “Denise Austin’s Getting Fit.”

Q. Will CBS provide closed-captioning so we can understand what Clark Kellogg is talking about? (Dan Okress; Cleveland)

A. If we understood what Clark Kellogg was talking about, he might be out of a job.

Q. What drives you to take such chances? (Steve Rapaport; Milwaukee)

A. I love the taste of wedding cake.

Q. If we continue to play NFL games in London, shouldn’t they play the British Open in, say, Yorktown, Va.? (Dink Hodges; Galveston Island, Tex.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.