12-year-old has Derby down pat
Just when I thought America had fallen into an irretrievable abyss, I was grazing the Internet and discovered a YouTube video of a 12-year-old girl who had memorized the names of all 133 Kentucky Derby winners through 2007.
It was a mesmerizing, sublime performance, under the pressure of hot TV lights. In fact, I make her an 8-5 favorite to win the next National Spelling Bee, provided she can mount Giacomo for some of the tougher words down the stretch.
Further, I then stumbled onto a New York Times blog by Peter Blair, which mentioned that the estimable writer William Nack once got the racing beat at Newsday when, under the influence of holiday spirits, he stood up on a table at the office Christmas party and recited all 97 Derby winners to that point.
(Which reminds me: I once was considered for a columnist job at the New York Daily News but made the mistake of going to the interview sober.)
You could say the girl is a one-trick pony, but like we used to say about Karl Wallenda on the high wire, what a trick!
(Which reminds me: Every time I’m standing on line at the post office, I think of Wallenda’s statement, “Life is being on the wire, everything else is just waiting.”)
But we’ll get back to her adolescent accomplishment later. First, let us consider the 134th Kentucky Derby – a.k.a. One Hundred and Fifty Thousand White People in Fancy Hats Celebrate the Nineteenth Century – brought to us by the adult broadcasters at NBC Sports.
(Which reminds me: Mint juleps are like Mel Kiper Jr. – one day a year, you can’t avoid ‘em.)
First of all, let me say it was my mistake and my mistake alone in choosing to watch the one-hour pre-show, hosted by “Access Hollywood” pseudo- hunk Billy Bush. Bush’s red-carpet interviews might’ve set back television 75 years, which, according to my math, means he single-handedly tried to kill the medium and return us to radio.
Thankfully, Bush yielded to the network’s regular Derby coverage, which includes Mike Battalgia and Bob Neumeier, NBC’s somewhat erratic racing handicappers. But those fellas are so likable and lovable, they could give me a hatful of losers for a month and I’d still want them sitting next to me in the grandstand.
Speaking of men over 50, I guess they’re the only ones still watching horse racing, because the Derby telecast was inundated by erectile dysfunction and prostate enlargement ads.
NBC caught a bad break when filly Eight Belles collapsed after finishing second and was immediately euthanized. Nothing spoils the first Saturday in May like a dead horse on the dirt track, and, though NBC touched on the tragedy, it spent most of the remaining time exulting in Big Brown and promoting the Preakness Stakes.
OK, back to the 12-year-old with 100-plus horses on the tip of her tongue. And she lists them, flawlessly, in order!
You know how hard that is? Have you ever tried to, say, name all 43 U.S. presidents? Most people get stuck after Thomas Jefferson. Hint: Think Colonial Athletic Association.
(Which reminds me: I once tried to list all my ex-wives chronologically but froze on the first one and slumped into a catatonic, semi-fetal position.)
The girl is amazing: Poised on a window seat, she breaks down the 133 winners by decade, apparently without assistance from cue cards or a TelePrompTer. Like Howard Cosell breezing through “Monday Night Football” halftime highlights, she does not appear to be working off a script, and, in five minutes in front of the camera, does not even pause for a sip of water.
She never identifies herself, even though the video serves as a great audition for ESPNews or a nice eHarmony personals ad for someone ISO a SWF who likes to go to Churchill Downs on dates.
And after she cites Street Sense as the 2007 Derby winner, she then incorrectly touts Pyro to win this year, which qualifies her as NBC’s next racing handicapper.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Other than you rubber-necking, tear-‘em-down, media bottom feeders, why would anybody, anybody at all, care if Roger Clemens had an affair with some no-name country western singer? (David Kuehn; Alameda, Calif.)
A. I’ve got to believe Debbie Clemens would care.
Q. I was always told, when applying for jobs, to keep my resume to one page. How does Larry Brown manage that? (Kyle Wright; Bethesda, Md.)
A. He doesn’t mention his ABA coaching days and omits his time with the Knicks.
Q. Former Player of Destiny Colt Brennan was drafted by Daniel Snyder. Did he deserve that destiny? (Dave Biancuzzo; Iowa City, Iowa)
A. I feel bad for the kid – he played one lousy game and, next thing you know, he’s two steps away from working security at Six Flags America.
Q. Is it possible the NBA playoffs could run into the start of the next NBA season? (Bud Huston; Willoughby, Ohio)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.