Soccer boom? Not even Becks can make game popular in U.S.

Note to Readers: Couch Slouch is asking – actually, imploring – members of the soccer cognoscenti to walk away right now. What follows will be my almost annual Is-that- sound-of-silence-I-hear-the- lack-of-a-soccer-boom? column, which provokes many out there to want to “kill the messenger.” Frankly, you should want to “kill the messiah,” because I’ve been correctly forecasting America’s collective yawn over the beautiful game since the 1970s.

We are finishing Year 2 of Beckham Across America and, you know, it feels a lot like the previous 230 years of America Without Beckham.

As some of you may recall, David Beckham washed up on our shores in 2007 amid great fanfare. He was the Next Big Thing in our culture, Benny Hill with a bicycle kick. He was going to single-handedly – make that “single-footedly” (it’s a word; I looked it up in an unabridged futbol dictionary) – transform soccer into a sold-out spectacle from sea to shining sea. He was going to turn hockey moms onto soccer dads, and then these neo-soccer couples would turn into nouveau-soccer families craving nonstop soccer on TV.

In reality, Beckham simply has allowed ESPN2 to maintain the 0.2 to 0.3 rating that is Major League Soccer’s hallmark.

Quick, which team won the MLS Cup last year?

Quick, how many games in the MLS regular season?

Quick, who was the leading soccer in MLS this year?

If you answered any of those three questions correctly, you are either MLS commissioner Don Garber or you once dated Alexi Lalas.

Incidentally, MLS is in the midst of its playoffs right now, featuring the “two-leg aggregate score series,” which has all the appeal of a root canal without anesthesia.

The World Cup is riveting sports drama, once every four years. MLS is more like league bowling (oh, gosh, I hope my bowling friends don’t beat a path to my doorway right behind the soccer hooligans) – it goes on interminably, and right after it ends, another league season begins. I mean, how can a sport with absolutely no mass following drag its regular season and postseason out over nine months (well, unless you’re the NHL)?

Beckham’s on-the-field effect has been negligible:

•The Galaxy are 14-22-12 with him on the roster.

•The team has missed the playoffs in both of his seasons, with the league’s worst record this year.

•He has five goals and 10 assists in the 31 MLS games.

People were hoping for a bit of Pele, and instead they got a lot of Stephon Marbury.

As for his off-the-field effect, big crowds do show up. But after coming to see Beckham, MLS visionaries hoped that fans would come back for more MLS. Rather, they go home and watch “American Idol” and “So You Think You Can Dance.”

In 1996 – MLS’s inaugural season – average attendance was 17,406. The league has never reached that figure again.

In the New World, Beckham has limited star power. He’s got more publicists than paparazzi. True story: Just the other day, I walked into my local supermarket in Los Angeles – I saw Beckham in Aisle 2, near canned goods, and I saw avocados in Aisle 6, on sale for $1.29 each. Becks was with Posh, but I had a hankering for guacamole, so I made a beeline to Aisle 6.

Beckham is a global icon. Alas, sometimes America is out of step with our global neighbors. For instance, we do not use the metric system, we prefer light beer to regular beer and we tend to bomb faraway nations every several years.

Then again, maybe soccer’s U.S. growth is like continental drift: imperceptible to the naked eye, then – bang! – 10 or 12 million years later, you notice a real shift. But until that happens, I’m pleading with the soccerati to just play the game and stop predicting its surge.

Heck, you don’t see me popping open a PBR and proclaiming the bowling boom is just around the corner.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Did new 49ers coach Mike Singletary really think dropping his pants at halftime of the Seahawks game would motivate his team? (James Gilyard; Indianapolis)

A. On the 1990s sitcom “Coach,” Luther used to split his pants a lot, and I believe Minnesota State won the national title.

Q. Did you ever consider that your second marriage was a “trap game” while you were looking ahead to your third marriage? (Ryan Hayden; Los Angeles)

A. Wow. If I had heard from you 10 years ago, I would’ve had a whole different game plan.

Q. The World Series game that started tied at 2 in the sixth inning was great. Would the NBA consider giving each team 100 points and putting two minutes on the clock? (Mark Concannon; Whitefish Bay, Wis.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. You must receive hundreds of e-mails every week. Do you read all of them personally? (Les Tolt; North Olmsted, Ohio)

A. Customer service is an integral component of the Couch Slouch column. Thank you for your feedback.