Cheesy Riders packing Pepcid and ready to roll

‘Get your motor runnin’. Head out on the highwaaaayyy!!!”

Welcome to the first installment of Cheesy Riders – a multipart saga of my cross-country ride with an outlaw motorcycle gang.

I plan to roll out of town this morning and will chronicle my adventure in the next few columns.

Before going any further, however, I should clarify a couple of things.

1. I don’t own a motorcycle. My experience riding motorcycles is next to zilch. So there’s a very good chance this fun-filled adventure might kill me.

2. That badass biker gang I mentioned consists of just me and my good pal Scott Cooper.

Cooper is the leader of the pack. That’s because Cooper owns several Honda 49cc Ruckus motor scooters and is dumb enough to let me ride one.

A Ruckus is not to be confused with a big rumbling Harley-Davidson.

A Ruckus is more like a sewing machine on wheels.

The Ruckus has a 1.3-gallon gas tank that supposedly will transport an average rider nearly 100 miles.

I am not an average rider, alas. (See photo.)

When my rump’s on a Ruckus, I look like a hippopotamus test-driving a toaster. So my gas mileage will be gravitationally impaired, I’m guessing.

There are other advantages to Ruckus riding, like no shifting.

This is great news, because most people would agree that I’m shiftless.

Oh, and check this out. You don’t need a motorcycle endorsement to ride scooters with less than 50cc in Washington.

This is quite a boon for me as well as the health care industry.

Here’s one more Ruckus quirk: We have to stay on roads posted 35 mph or less.

I imagine this is because the Ruckus won’t go much faster than 35, especially while toting someone of my tonnage. But this limitation has made navigating our journey quite a challenge.

Cooper has spent hours examining the secondary and farm roads on a state atlas. He believes he’s finally discovered a way to legally zig and zag to the Moses Lake area.

Sure. And Ponce de Leon claimed he’d found the Fountain of Youth.

I don’t want to paint a completely cynical picture. We have prepared for our odyssey.

Monday morning, for example, Cooper rode his Ruckus to my home and we watched “Easy Rider” on my big-screen TV.

I made a few notes on some eerie similarities between this 40-year-old biker movie and what we’re planning:

“Easy Rider” – Wyatt and Billy drop acid.

Cheesy Riders – Clark and Cooper plan to take Pepcid AC in the event of acid reflux.

“Easy Rider” – Wyatt and Billy visit a commune of dirty hippies who live with goats.

Cheesy Riders – Clark and Cooper plan to scooter through Ritzville.

“Easy Rider” – Wyatt and Billy are gunned down at the end of the movie.

Cheesy Riders – Four words: Grant County gang wars.

Stay tuned to see what happens.