Smart Bombs: Real fathers know best

I like an uplifting speech, and nobody does lofty like President Barack Obama. But a few more real-world touches might help him connect with everyday Americans. Here are some excerpts from his Father’s Day proclamation:

“The journey of fatherhood provides unique and lasting joys. Cradling a baby in his arms, a father experiences the miracle of life and an unbreakable bond.”

(Yes, there is an elastic quality to the substance that gave rise to those marvelous inventions: diapers and wipes. Earplugs aren’t a bad call either as these human Bose radios achieve miraculous levels of volume from such tiny lungs.)

“Fathers imagine a world of possibilities awaiting their children and contemplate the privilege of helping them reach that expanse of opportunity.”

(No, seriously, if you pedal harder, the bike goes straighter.)

“As kids grow and mature, they look to their dad for a special kind of love and support.”

(Yes, you may ride your bike to the store. But bring a backpack, we need a few things.)

“Providing these necessities can bring great happiness.”

(Especially when Game Cube games are compatible with the Wii.)

“Fatherhood also brings great responsibilities.”

(Maybe your friends can show you how to do pigtails.)

“Fathers have an obligation to help rear the children they bring into the world. Children deserve this care, and families need each father’s active participation.”

(Sure, I’d love to play another round of tic-tac-toe, but let’s move into the TV room. Ballgame’s almost on.)

“Fathers must help teach right from wrong and instill in their kids the values that sustain them for a lifetime.”

(You’re right, kids, it is just a game, and I shouldn’t yell at the TV.)

“As they encounter new and challenging experiences, children need guidance and counsel.”

(Tic-tac-toe is just a game, too, and that will be your last victory.)

“Fathers need to talk with their kids to help them through difficult times.”

(No, it doesn’t mean you’re dumb. It means I’m smarter.)

“Communities must do more to counsel fathers.”

(A celebratory beer every time you win Candy Land might not be in the best interests of the children.)

“Thousands of young children benefit from the influence of great men, and we salute their willingness to give and continue giving.”

You’re welcome. Now can I take a nap?