Despite the advancement in software filters and precautions, the Internet remains a treacherous world filled with swindles and cons.
Take the two scams that appeared in my work mailbox this week.
The first came from some supposed “friend” I can’t remember meeting.
Claiming to be stuck in a foreign country, she begged me to wire money so she could come back home.
I’d get a better return investing in Metropolitan Mortgage stock.
The second email was even more shocking.
It came from David Condon, and you’re going to really love the next part.
He wanted ME to help finance his effort to become Spokane’s next one-term mayor.
“Will you help me realize this vision for Spokane by sending a resounding message to City Hall that it’s time for new leadership?
“Will you consider making a generous contribution of $250, $100, $50 or $25?”
Quick! Someone tell Condon his identity has been stolen.
I mean, this can’t be real, can it?
I realize most candidates are out to lunch. But it’s hard to believe any of them would be deluded enough to try to nick me for a donation.
I am the guy, after all, who gives away buttons that say: “Politicians. Same Jerks We Hated in High School.”
The Condon email does have an authentic look, however.
It has an official “Elect David Condon” logo.
Plus there’s a photograph of Condon posed with his family or attractive models that the candidate hired to portray the Condon family.
(Having not met the Condons, I can’t say for sure.)
Yeah, it’s probably legit. The clincher is that the email is written in that needy tone that is favored by politicians everywhere.
Here are some excerpts, followed by my translation as an expert in political doublespeak.
Condon – “With just 77 days until the primary Election Day, I am working hard to meet voters and raise the money needed to go on the radio and TV.”
Translation – I’m broke. I’m screwed. I’ve got less chance becoming Spokane mayor than David Elton.
Condon – “I am so grateful for the outpouring of support from everyone in these first 28 days of my campaign.”
Translation – I couldn’t get any lower on the public radar by being No. 5 in a police lineup.
Condon – “I spent this past weekend knocking on doors and talking to my neighbors in Spokane.”
Translation – I didn’t pick up any votes, but three people said they’d hire me to cut their grass.
Condon – “I am a proud third generation Spokanite…”
Translation – The great thing about having low expectations is that you don’t have to worry about breaking anything when you fall.
Condon – “Together we can make Spokane second to none.”
Translation – Or at the very least better than Washtucna.
Condon – “Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to seeing you on the campaign trail this summer.”
Translation – I swear I’ll flatten the next wiseass who uses my name for a condom joke.