My politically exhausted Americans, I stand before you with a smile that is wider even than the cheesy grin Daryl Romeyn wears on his garish campaign signs.
What makes me so full of mirth, you ask?
Because we are mere hours away from the major political event that happens once every four years, that’s what.
Yes, it’s time to choose two lucky readers who will ride along with me tonight as members of my official Presidential Press Posse 2012.
Oh, yeah. Today is Election Day, too.
Soon, all of America will discover which party was more adept at getting felons and dead voters to the Ohio polls.
But all that pales in comparison to the perks and prestige that come with being picked for my press posse.
So stop what you’re doing right now.
Call me at (509) 459-5432. Or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
In a brief message, tell me why your presence would enhance our travels tonight as we hit the partisan party zones of Spokane.
As a bonus we may even tour The Spokesman-Review’s newsroom, where you can tell one of my editors how much I mean to you and marvel at the Expo ’74 coffeemaker enshrined on my desk.
This is vital: Tell me right off whether you’re an Obama booster or a Romney rooter.
This matters because at 2 p.m. today, I will select one Democrat and one Republican to meet me at a certain time and place.
Protected by two burly bodyguards, we will crash the major party gatherings, hobnobbing with losers, winners and misfits of all creed and color and psychosis.
There’s nothing like a presidential contest to bring out the angst, and being on the posse is like having a backstage pass.
Here are the rules:
First off, no boors allowed.
No whiners, either.
And don’t enter this contest if you’ve got a criminal record, a crack habit or any serious charges pending.
Really. I don’t need the grief.
What I’m looking for are individuals who won’t let political convictions interfere with having a good time.
Speaking of which, two diabolically opposed zanies joined the press posse’s maiden voyage four years ago. They managed to get along despite their incessant banter that, after 10 minutes, gave me a brain-freeze headache.
One of the posse members was a Republican woman who claimed that Arnold Schwarzenegger once blew in her ear.
What with all we’ve learned about ol’ Arnie of late, I’m thinking she should count herself lucky.
The chosen Democrat was a self-proclaimed “lapsed Unitarian” who specialized in grief counseling.
And considering the way John McCain got shellacked, many of the Republicans we encountered that night were in dire need of this man’s skills.
We obviously don’t have a lot of time to dally here.
So make sure you leave a good call-back number so I can get in touch with you pronto with details on when and where we’ll reconnoiter.
But wait, there’s more!
Did someone mention prizes?
Indeed, the two winners will each receive a keepsake Presidential Press Posse badge made by Button Up, the official Clark Column button maker, plus a stylish trailer hat just like mine.
I’ll also toss in a genuine reporter’s pen and notebook that you can use to document any rancor or bodily threats that could be hurled my way while we’re out and about.
You’ll also get a couple of CDs containing my original music, like my “Spokane” song and the “The Gypsy Curse.”
It’s up to you now to be clever and persuading.
So get cracking, amigos. The press posse prowls again tonight!