Couch Slouch tabs Saints his 2016 ‘NFL Team of Destiny’
Before unveiling this year’s NFL Team of Destiny – I understand that Team of Destiny announcement parties are all the rage at Big Ten and SEC frat houses – Couch Slouch would like to put in a good word or two about the historically inept New Orleans Saints.
In the distant glow of the Saints’ 2009 Super Bowl season, America sometimes forgets how abundantly awful the entirety of that franchise’s existence is.
No entity within U.S. borders has had a worse half-century than the Saints, with the possible exception of the U.S. Postal Service.
This is the Saints’ 50th year in the NFL, and their 31-17 victory over the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl 44 marks the team’s only title.
They had losing seasons their first 12 years, didn’t record an over-.500 mark until their 21st season, and didn’t win a playoff game until their 34th season.
And when the Saints aren’t miserable, they usually just rise to mediocre.
Since the NFL went to a 16-game schedule in 1978, they have gone 7-9 or 8-8 in 17 of 38 seasons; the Saints go 7-9 or 8-8 so often, it is a statistical improbability that Jeff Fisher is not their coach.
Not only have the Saints finished 7-9 three of the last four seasons, somehow, appropriately, they even have a lifetime 7-9 record in the playoffs.
Amidst all this 7-9 rubble, the Saints still have one of the all-time 6-foot overachievers in the game, Hall of Fame-bound quarterback Drew Brees.
Here are his career ranks:
– 1st, completion percentage; 66.4.
– 1st, passing yards per game; 280.7.
– 3rd, passing touchdowns; 428.
– 4th, passing yards; 60,903.
– 7th, passer rating; 95.8.
Brees’ passer rating has been over 100 four of the last six seasons; he has eight straight seasons with at least 30 touchdown passes and 10 straight seasons with 4,000 passing yards or more, including four over 5,000.
(Alas, when I overload my column with an avalanche of numbers, I feel both old and old-school. Because I use statistics that none of the contemporary analytic kids on the block use – you know, numbers that you can actually understand. Newfangled example: There is something called “Defense-Adjusted Yards Above Replacement;” not only do I not comprehend this data debris, it exacerbates my Irritable Bowel Syndrome.)
Anyway, all these numbers lead us to the words you’ve been waiting for – the much-anticipated declaration of our 2016 NFL Team of Destiny.
What unlikely and recently moribund franchise is unexpectedly Super Bowl-bound? Well, it might surprise long-time readers, but I am rewarding Dan Snyder and going with the Washington Redsk….
STOP!!!
Please.
It would take a court order – check that, probably two court orders – to make me name the Snyder-infested R*dsk*ns my Team of Destiny in this or any subsequent lifetime.
So your Team of Destiny is….
The Saints, of course!
Yes, the Saints had the poorest defense in the NFL in 2015: They allowed almost 30 points a game and were second-worst in the league in yards allowed. If Steph Curry played against the Saints, he’d score 60 a night.
But the Saints made a massive upgrade to their defense – they fired coordinator Rob Ryan and shipped him to Buffalo to join fellow blowhard sibling Rex Ryan. This will free Brees, coach Sean Payton and the Saints to march into NRG Stadium in Houston Feb. 5 for Super Bowl 51.
Unless they go 7-9.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Good idea or not – have injured NFL players interviewed while they’re still down and being attended to by medical staff. The truth of the game is revealed and sideline reporters finally pull their weight. (E. Shepard; Florence, Montana)
A. Actually, Howard Cosell did a version of this during the Fielding Mellish honeymoon night in Woody Allen’s 1971 movie, “Bananas.” Great idea.
Q. ESPN has decided that viewers like to see its anchors’ legs, and is making them stand during their shows. Do you anticipate having to stand during the whole of the next World Series of Poker? (Don Pollins; Hyattsville, Maryland)
A. Nobody – nobody – is going to see my legs. I don’t even take my pants off when I’m in the shower.
Q. When you crunch the numbers, can you assess the total cost on Tom Brady’s four-game suspension? (Joe Donnelly; Indianapolis)
A. The Patriots, I believe, will be fine. But Brady has to spend four consecutive Sundays at home with Gisele – that’s untold collateral damage.
Q. How do you know when you’re working and when you’re off? (William Grubb Jr.; Clarksburg, Maryland)
A. When I am responding to snarky $1.25 Ask The Slouch entries, I am working.
Q. Shouldn’t the Dallas Cowboys just go ahead and draft guys that are already in prison? (Roger Strauss; Silver Spring, Maryland)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Norman Chad is a syndicated columnist. You can enter his $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!