Faith and Values: First should come the listening, then the talking

“Thank you. It was so helpful talking with you.”

I didn’t feel I’d earned his gratitude or affirmation.

In fact, I’d said almost nothing as my friend gave voice to his burdens; mostly I just listened. Then I listened some more. And more still.

“It was so helpful …”

Such disproportionate thankfulness reminded me what a gift it is to lend someone a fully attentive ear. It’s not a gift I give nearly enough.

Do you?

We live in a world of many talkers, yet comparatively few good listeners.

Consider the familiar newscast template: Five talking heads on one TV screen, each appearing live from a different location, all foisting their opinion on the day’s news, all increasingly ardent, all vying to be heard above all others.

All are hearing … yet nobody’s listening.

This vying-to-be-heard-above others is a contagion in our me-first culture.

This despite the constant reminder from our own physiology that most of us have got the ratio terribly backward. Check the mirror; you’ve got two ears, and just one mouth.

The Bible is even less subtle: “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak …” (James 1:19).

Our love for God is evidenced by our listening to his word. Listening to God is a necessary first step in trusting him.

Likewise, our love for others is evidenced by our listening to them. It is a necessary first step toward building trust, and therefore depth, in relationships.

Good listeners show that they care to know and understand someone else rather than merely wanting to be heard and known by others.

I often wonder how many of our relationships would be stronger, and more enjoyable and useful, if we simply spoke less and listened more. It’s the whole two-ears-one-mouth thing.

Recently, my wife and I sat together in a restaurant. In a booth near ours sat a father with his grade-school-age daughter.

It didn’t surprise me at first to see dad staring at his smartphone while daughter chirped away at him. What did surprise me, however, is that throughout their entire meal he never turned from his phone.

To be fair, I have no idea what brought father and daughter to that particular dynamic I observed in their day. But it was a stark reminder to me how easily we can communicate to others that they simply are not a priority for us.

Genuine listening is a purposeful act of selflessness; our own tongue must be harnessed, our thoughts corralled, and our attention focused.

Good listening is an act of humility – it is to put self aside in the moment so we can do the intentional, loving work of giving something rare and refreshing to another person: undivided attention.

My friend’s gratitude awakened me to an unpleasant reality: Good listening is not something that comes naturally to me. My mind is busy, outside distractions are many, and the urge to fill any silence with my own words is strong.

Scripture reminds us that in relationships, good listening leads to better speaking. It enables us to interact intelligently, helpfully, rather than thoughtlessly or selfishly.

“He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him,” warns Proverbs 18:13.

The opposite is also true. When we’ve truly heard someone else’s heart, the words we choose will not only be informed, but conformed to what is useful to them.

As Proverbs 15:23 puts it: “It is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time.”