MISS MANNERS: You can’t win with Thanksgiving appetizers

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What’s the protocol on appetizers at Thanksgiving?

GENTLE READER: No one knows.

If you provide enough to stave off your guests’ hunger until everyone arrives, those on time will complain of feeling stuffed halfway through dinner. They will keep eating, but the insinuation that you are force-feeding them will be annoying, considering all the work you did on their behalf.

However, if you skip appetizers (or have very light ones), the turkey will not be done when expected and your grandfather will need extra time to get there. So those who arrived on time will still get cross. Despite it being the middle of the afternoon, someone will ask, “Do you have any nuts or anything?” and others will wander into the kitchen hoping to take some advance pokes into the pots.

Miss Manners wishes you a happy Thanksgiving.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a normal sized mouth – but on the smaller size. I cannot reasonably fit any soup spoon in my mouth. It is beyond awkward and uncomfortable, and also likely to cause a spill. Therefore, I use a teaspoon, which I unobtrusively request, if necessary, at restaurants.

What is a polite person to do when etiquette requires something that is not possible?

GENTLE READER: Etiquette accepts valid excuses, although it is sick of people claiming dubious medical or psychological reasons for omitting common courtesies or just behaving rudely.

But in your case, there is no such problem. Miss Manners is happy to assure you that etiquette does not require you – indeed, forbids you – to put a soup spoon into your mouth, whatever the proportions of either. Soup is properly eaten by gently tipping the side of the spoon toward the mouth.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find myself caught somewhat off guard. I’ve invited a friend, her adult child and his college roommate to Thanksgiving dinner. We’ve planned this for some time, and I purchased food according to the guest list. Now, just before Thanksgiving, my friend has asked to bring an additional four college students to the meal.

Of course I said OK, but I am really feeling the crunch. My house and dinner table are not large. I will need to set an additional table, have had to borrow china, since I only have eight place settings, and will need to purchase food and beverages to feed four more people.

I like to think of myself as a generous hostess, but am feeling a little put out. My friend lives on a shoestring, so I’m not good with asking her to provide the extras needed. I hope my feelings don’t inadvertently show through. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Yes: Don’t let your feelings show through.

There is no “of course” about accepting additional last-minute guests. You can agree, or you can say, with gracious regret, that your party is full, but that you would love to meet them some other time.

Yet to comfort you for failing to do so, Miss Manners would like to point out how kind you are to go to the trouble of welcoming your indigent friend’s guests at Thanksgiving, of all holidays.