Cheap Seats

He’s out!

National League umpire Angel Hernandez, sidelined since last August because of the baseball strike, now gets up at 6 a.m. on weekends to call balls and strikes at kids’ games in Hialeah, Fla., where his father has run the Khoury League program for 28 years.

The only active Cuban-born big-league ump, Hernandez signs autographs and poses for photos - while he and his colleagues are locked out, unable to agree on a contract with baseball’s owners.

“I used to be proud to say I’m a major-league umpire, but now I’m ashamed,” said Hernandez, 33. “It’s embarrassing that two sides could not get together and negotiate like normal human beings.”

Khoury League managers have done their best to make Hernandez feel at home - arguing incessantly.

“They yell and bicker and want to come at me,” Hernandez said.

In other words, they’re just like Donald Fehr, Bud Selig and the rest of baseball’s killers.

Fresno’s Shark-infested waters

Technically, Jerry Tarkanian was hired by Fresno State University to be head men’s basketball coach. In reality, Tark was hired by his alma mater’s fans.

“It wasn’t just the phone calls,” Fresno State president Dr. John Welty admitted. “It was also the wonders of fax machines, voice mail and E-mail.”

Tark is of Armenian descent, and Fresno has a heavy concentration of Armenian descendants. “Hire Tark” bumper stickers became a hit.

Tarkanian’s allure extends to players, and reports have been circulating that several top recruits may switch to Fresno.

“What, I’m not supposed to recruit good players?” Tark asked. “Anyone who says that is crazy.

“I didn’t come here to go 15-15 and go eat some Armenian food after the game.”

Tarkanian didn’t feel like eating anything after watching Ed O’Bannon lead UCLA to the NCAA title. Tark had won over O’Bannon before reports of impending probation at UNLV drove the player to Westwood. The Shark blames former UNLV athletic director Dennis Finfrock for scaring O’Bannon off.

“UCLA ought to invite Dennis Finfrock to their banquet,” Tark groused. “It’s sick to watch them win it with your kid.”

It’s better than watching Tark win it with someone else’s kid.

Putting Bushwood to shame

Lewis Keller plans to reopen an historic golf club next month, 91 years after Oakhurst Links closed. The West Virginia course was founded in 1884 as a 6-hole layout.

Keller, a 72-yer-old New Yorker, didn’t envision the sweeping restoration when he arrived in West Virginia looking for a summer home in 1959. He bought the Oakhurst course and clubhouse as a retreat.

Once reopened, green fees will be $45, which includes use of a set of hickory sticks. That’s right - if you’re going to play at Oakhurst, you’ll have to play the old-fashioned way. Besides using the hickory-shafted, wooden-headed clubs, players must purchase gutta-percha balls ($2 apiece) and aim shots around sheep that double as fairway tractors.

The last word …

“I hate to be the one to break it to you, but another disaster has hit L.A. Looks like the Rams are staying.”

- Jay Leno