New Words Bring New Attitudes

Remember when we were kids and got caught saying a bad word? Many of us were told to “watch your language.” When I was a kid, I never really understood what that meant. As an adult and a therapist, I’ve come to appreciate another meaning for “watch your language” when it comes to changing our lives.

The language that we use as we talk about problems and how to solve them greatly affects our capacity to change.

For example, countless numbers of people talk about “losing weight.” Sounds just fine, doesn’t it? But stop and think for a moment about the word “lose.”

When we lose something, what have we conditioned our brains to want to do next? That’s right, we want to find what we’ve lost. Could that be part of why so many people gain weight back after they lose it?

A better way to talk about desired changes in weight is to say, “I want to get rid of some weight.”

While I realize this may be an over-simplification about weight, it’s not an over-simplification about language. Some people may say that it’s just semantics. Maybe so, but my answer is that everything is semantics. This is because of how our brains process language.

A brain operates like a computer: garbage in and garbage out. Just about everything we buy comes with an owner’s manual. The problem with learning how to use our brains is that no one ever gave us owner’s manuals.

How many of us, when presented with a new possibility for our lives, say something like, “I would never be able to do that”? We say these words and then our brains believe them.

In the book “Illusions,” by Richard Bach (Pell Publishing, $5.95), there’s a quote that applies here: “Argue for your limitations, and you get to keep them.”

Just a simple change of language, such as “Let’s see if I could do that” or “I’ll find a way to do that,” makes a significant difference in how our brains respond. Our brains begin to look for ways to meet the challenge, instead of looking for reasons why we can’t.

Another way in which we need to watch our language is in using the phrase “I have to.” Think about how you feel in the morning, when you wake up and say to yourself, “I have to get up and go to work today.”

Consider how you might feel instead if you said to yourself, “I get to go to work today.” See the difference? Our brains naturally respond negatively to “have to” and positively to “get to.”

Another important way that language can help us change is through the strategic use of questions. A strategic question can not only change the way we feel about something, it can also motivate us and give us a clear direction for change.

For example, when you look at a pile of things to do at work and ask, “How in the world is all this going to get done?,” your brain tends to respond with stress and negative answers.

Suppose you instead ask, “In what ways can I accomplish this, do it well and enjoy the process?” Your brain then can go on a search to find all the ways to accomplish the task well and enjoy the process.

Many of you are probably familiar with one of the ‘80s greatest contributions to pop psychology: affirmations. That’s when you stand in front of a mirror and say such things to yourself as, “I am a good person,” “I’m a successful person” and “I am a lovable person.”

One reason affirmations don’t work or work poorly is that our brains interpret affirmations as questions. Hence, “I’m a successful person” becomes “Am I a successful person?” Our brains then have only two options, “yes” and “no.” And it’s a lot easier to answer “no” than “yes.”

A more useful approach would be to ask a better question, such as, “In how many ways am I a successful person?” Your brain is then programmed to go on a search for answers that will help you, instead of hold you back.

Since none of us, to my knowledge at least, has received an owner’s manual for our brains, it’s important to learn how to use them in a way that helps us change.

Just for a week, pay attention to the language you use that holds you back and practice changing it into language that allows you to change. I think you will like the results, and may even enjoy the process.

MEMO: This sidebar appeared with the story: Jeff Herring is a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical hypnotherapist. He writes about stress for the Tallahassee Democrat.