‘Friends’ Just As Funny In A Small Town.

Many of today’s popular sitcoms are about single people hanging around with their pals.

However, all of these shows are set in Manhattan. “Seinfeld” is in Manhattan, “Friends” is in Manhattan.

Why aren’t any of them in Chewelah? Or Wallace? Or, for that matter, Schrag? Not all of us spent our swingin’ single years in Manhattan.

So I hereby present my own sitcom, “Friends in Small Places”:

Ross: (walking into the Gab ‘N’ Grub Diner) Hey, everybody. What are you guys up to this morning?

Monica: Waiting for that phone to ring, hoping one of the English teachers over at the high school calls in sick. I am so tired of being a substitute.

Ross: You’ll get on full-time someday. Hey, wait a minute. Shouldn’t you be at home? How will they know to call you here?

Monica: (sarcastically) Like, everybody in town doesn’t know we hang out here every morning? Like, everybody in town doesn’t know our every movement? Like, everybody in town doesn’t call our parents, and say, “I saw Monica’s car parked over at that Brewster boy’s apartment UNTIL 3 A.M. last night?”

Ross: OK, OK, I get the point. (pause) So, really, was your car parked over at - ?

(Monica smacks Ross with menu).

Joey: (entering the diner) Hi everybody. Hey, guess what? I got a job!

Monica: Great! Doin’ what?

Joey: Well, my cousin’s brother-in-law needs someone to drive a truck for a few weeks. So they asked me.

Ross: Way to go, pal. Could be the break you were waiting for.

Joey: I’d still rather be a male model.

Ross: Maybe something will come up. They’re having that big 4-H Fashion Show next week at the FFA banquet.

Joey: A guy can always dream. Anyway, I don’t mind driving my cousin’s brother-in-law’s truck. It beats that truck I had to drive last harvest. This one’s got a radio.

Chandler: Cool. FM?

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: All right. Otherwise, you get nothing but Rush and the farm report.

Rachel: (Approaches table, dressed in a waitress uniform) Hey, guys. What can I get you?

Phoebe: How about a high-paying job?

Rachel: (Deadpan) Gosh, Phoebe, I don’t think we’re hiring.

Phoebe: In that case, I’ll have the eggs over-easy with the sausage, the bacon and the ham.

Rachel: (yelling back to kitchen) One Hungry Sow!

Phoebe: I love how you put that. Why don’t you sit down and relax with us for a while? Looks like you could use a break.

Rachel: (sitting) Yeah. The rush is already over. The highway crews were in and out by 6 a.m.

Ross: They had to get out and put down some sand over on Taggart Hill. It was icy this morning.

Chandler: Really? Route 17 seemed OK. But I hear it might snow this afternoon.

Joey: Something’s moving in from the north but they say -

Rachel: Guys! Can we, just once, not talk about the weather?

Ross: Sure, Rachel. (Long silence) So, Rachel, what’s new with you? Any precipitation over at your place? (Rachel throws napkin at Ross.)

Monica: So, what do you guys want to do tonight? It’s Friday.

Rachel: I’m invited to a Tupperware party.

Joey: Wow. Big night. Me and Chandler were going to go over to the Legion Hall and shoot some pool.

Phoebe: Whoa. Big night for the boys, too. Listen, why don’t we all do something together?

Ross: I’ve got a volunteer meeting over to the fire department, but I’ll be done by 8.

Rachel: I’ve got an idea. Let’s all go out to the King’s Castle Supper Club. We haven’t done that in a long time.

Monica: What band is playing?

Rachel: The usual. Lester Frimm and the Rhythm Riders. (Pause while everybody looks around at everyone else.)

Monica: Let’s go anyway. We can dance, have some beers, pick up some cowboys.

Phoebe: Right. Cowboys and divorced insurance agents. Well, it beats sitting at home.

Joey: Yeah, I guess it beats the Legion Hall, too. I can dance with all of the girls I knew in high school, before they got married and had two kids and got divorced at 21. How about it, Rachel?

Rachel: I don’t know. There’s so much smoke and so much whiskey. I’m so uncomfortable at those places …

Monica: Oh, come on, Rache.

Rachel: And I really, really need some new Tupperware.

(Phone rings. Rachel walks over behind counter and answers it.)

Rachel: Monica! It’s the high school. They want you right away. One of the English teachers called in sick. They said he sounded half-whupped.

Ross: Which one?

Rachel: Mr. Brewster. That Brewster boy. (They all turn and stare pointedly at Monica.)

Monica: (Sipping coffee, refusing to look up) Poor guy. Must have the flu.

, DataTimes The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jim Kershner The Spokesman-Review