Christmas Accords Peacekeeping Takes Special Strategy During Holidays

Sun., Dec. 17, 1995

By Julie Sullivan julies@spokesman.com

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Except in all families it isn’t.

Expectations run too high and time too short. Families fall into patterns generations-old. Everyone is indoors because of the weather.

Pour alcohol on it, bet some money on the football game, and the Christmas season can easily become the mean season.

So how can families better navigate conflict in the holidays ahead? We asked Spokane clinical psychologist Laura Asbell and mental health counselor James O’Hare for some suggestions. (In families where violence is occurring, see the accompanying story.)

First, expect some conflict at Christmas. For the same reasons that no one can believe a quiet, civil neighbor committed a crime, people can’t believe that celebrating the warmest of holidays with people you love can be hurtful and divisive. But families should look at what happened last year and plan accordingly.

If bickering starts: Don’t yell back. Psychologists call it de-escalating: When a partner is looking for a fight, make a joke, leave the room, take a walk. Say, “You seem like you’re in a bad mood, do you need me to get the kids out of the house for a while?” Don’t vent back. De-escalation is what healthy couples do and what unhealthy ones do not.

Plan, don’t react. If you argue about the same thing year after year, say, “You know, we argued about this last year and if it feels like it’s happening again, I’m going to walk around the block.” Then do it. That way, as the argument heats up, your partner won’t feel blamed for you leaving and you won’t be attacked for being hypersensitive.

Don’t drink. Staying sober is important for both partners. If you do drink, limit consumption by not drinking until you’ve eaten. Or, try buying half the alcohol you did last year. Agree - beforehand - that if one of you imbibe, you sleep in separate bedrooms.

Turn off the television. It raises the noise level in the house, and studies show TV violence can increase our tolerance for violence.

Set boundaries. Agree on what you can do and can’t do. If you hate going to your in-laws, don’t go thinking, “I’ll just take my bottle of wine and sit here quietly.” If you hate staying with his out-of-town parents, spring for a motel. If he always drinks too much watching football at his brother’s, agree that this year he’ll spend the night there and come home in the morning.

Celebrate within your means. Consider not using credit cards or not dipping into your January and February budgets. Spend less on your kids. Too many parents overspend trying to create the best Christmas ever for children, and then are angry or exasperated when kids don’t seem satisfied.

“Disappointment is a fact of life and the sooner kids learn this, the happier as adults they’ll be,” O’Hare says. What they really want is to be with adults who love them.

Get outside. A change of scenery and bracing weather can help clear heads and burn aggression.

If you need counseling, don’t wait until after the holidays. Many couples feel better after one or two sessions, and medication can help with some problems.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Staff illustration by Charles Waltmire

MEMO: This sidebar appeared with the story: IF VIOLENCE IS UNAVOIDABLE, LEAVE A WAY OUT In families where violence is already occurring, planning for the holidays is even more critical. Carolyn Morrison of the YWCA Alternatives to Domestic Violence, Jennifer Pearson of the Spokane County Domestic Violence Consortium and the Washington Office of Administration for the Courts offer this advice: If an argument with an abusive partner is unavoidable, try to have it in a room with access to exit, not the bathroom, kitchen or anywhere near weapons. Practice beforehand how to get out of your home safely. Identify doors, stairwells, elevators or windows you can use. Identify a neighbor you can tell about the violence and ask them to call the police if they hear a disturbance from your house. Devise a code word with kids, family, neighbors that you can say when you need the police. Before the fight, decide where you will go if it gets violent, even if you don’t think now that you will have to leave. Use your instincts and judgment. Call 326-CALL, the 24-hour Domestic Violence crisis line in Spokane. Commit it to memory. That call can get you out of the home, into a confidential shelter, get you help with child care and get you out of town, the state, even off the face of the earth (with a new name and Social Security number) if necessary. Remember, violence can occur between generations in a family, between dating couples and gays and lesbians. If you’re in a family or know a family where violence is occurring, consider ways to put the perpetrator in touch with a batterer’s treatment provider at the Spokane Veterans Medical Center or the Inland Center for Domestic Violence. Statistics show that for men who’ve gone through a year of treatment, 60 percent have not abused their spouse five years out. Morrison says: Think positive. Everyone can turn their life around.

This sidebar appeared with the story: IF VIOLENCE IS UNAVOIDABLE, LEAVE A WAY OUT In families where violence is already occurring, planning for the holidays is even more critical. Carolyn Morrison of the YWCA Alternatives to Domestic Violence, Jennifer Pearson of the Spokane County Domestic Violence Consortium and the Washington Office of Administration for the Courts offer this advice: If an argument with an abusive partner is unavoidable, try to have it in a room with access to exit, not the bathroom, kitchen or anywhere near weapons. Practice beforehand how to get out of your home safely. Identify doors, stairwells, elevators or windows you can use. Identify a neighbor you can tell about the violence and ask them to call the police if they hear a disturbance from your house. Devise a code word with kids, family, neighbors that you can say when you need the police. Before the fight, decide where you will go if it gets violent, even if you don’t think now that you will have to leave. Use your instincts and judgment. Call 326-CALL, the 24-hour Domestic Violence crisis line in Spokane. Commit it to memory. That call can get you out of the home, into a confidential shelter, get you help with child care and get you out of town, the state, even off the face of the earth (with a new name and Social Security number) if necessary. Remember, violence can occur between generations in a family, between dating couples and gays and lesbians. If you’re in a family or know a family where violence is occurring, consider ways to put the perpetrator in touch with a batterer’s treatment provider at the Spokane Veterans Medical Center or the Inland Center for Domestic Violence. Statistics show that for men who’ve gone through a year of treatment, 60 percent have not abused their spouse five years out. Morrison says: Think positive. Everyone can turn their life around.