Cheap Seats

Gum control

Scott Simpson, a veteran of dozens of rounds of golf with Bill Murray, has a list of the comedian-actor’s antics.

His favorite?

“It might be a round at Kapalua (Hawaii),” Simpson said. “Bill is teeing it up, about to hit, and three ladies yell, `Bill, give us something to remember you by.’

“They yell again, `Bill, give us something to remember you by.’ Bill drops his clubs, goes over to one of the ladies, takes a wad of gum out of his mouth and sticks it on one of the ladies’ foreheads.”

That’s a two-ticket minor

Caught going 77 in a 65 mph zone? That’s a sure ticket in most states. In Florida, it could mean two.

Under a new Florida Highway Patrol program, drivers wearing seat belts when stopped by troopers could be awarded a pair of tickets to a Tampa Bay Lightning game.

Lightning general manager Phil Esposito came up with the plan after he got a speeding ticket and had to go to driving school, where he “watched a lot of films on seat belts.

“Can you imagine?” Esposito said. “You see those flashing lights behind you and you get two tickets to a hockey game?”

FHP director Ron Grimming had a more sobering view: “While not all of us know the impact of being checked by a 200-pound hockey player, none of us wants to feel the impact of a 3,000-pound vehicle.”

If it truly wanted to discourage speeding, the FHP would offer tickets to Buccanneers games.

Driving while ice-toxicated

Hope they’re remembering to fasten their seatbelts at Nassau Coliseum. At the New York Islanders’ home opener, one of the Zambonis crashed into the boards. An automobile advertisement on the Zamboni read, “Drive safely.”

Hare today, gone tomorrow

Here’s yet more evidence of the rampant violence plaguing soccer. During a game in Barcelona, a fan released a live hare onto the field. The animal evaded capture by players for several entertaining minutes.

Finally, a club official of the Spanish League champions grabbed the bunny and, in full view of 90,000 fans and a television audience, killed it. Government officials have since fined the club $2,000.

Fist city

Denver Nuggets guard Dale Ellis didn’t mind teammates Dikembe Mutombo and Cliff Levingston duking it out at a recent practice. “I like to see that,” Ellis said. “I’m from the old school, where you would go to the recreation center, stand around and wait for an hour to get on the court. Guys fought for every point.”

And when Ellis was with the Sonics, so did his wife.

The last word …

“John Starks’ jump shot. Anthony Mason’s haircut.”

- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, asked what he didn’t like about last spring’s NBA finals