Cheap Seats
You are correct, sir
The cruelest poll of the baseball season was conducted by the Denver Post. Rockies fans were asked to give a thumbs up or down to announcer Charlie Jones.
Eighty-six percent went thumbs down, including one fan with the fine baseball name of Gene Goodstat, who said, “I cannot decide if he reminds me of Ed McMahon or Ted Baxter.”
Game 7 was in the gag for Reggie
Kevin B. Blackistone couldn’t forget Reggie Miller, even if the Indiana guard disappeared during the Pacers’ Game 7 loss to Orlando.
It was Miller who had labeled the New York Knicks “choke artists,” Blackistone noted in the Dallas Morning News, adding, “It takes one, of course, to know one, and on Sunday, Miller proved he has become a master of the craft. He put on a virtuoso performance in asphyxiation.”
Blackistone wasn’t done. “In fact, the last points Miller scored in the 1994-95 NBA campaign came at the 7:47 mark of the third quarter. He was as productive the rest of the game as the guy eating popcorn in the third row. The only difference was the guy downing the popcorn never was in need of the Heimlich Maneuver.”
Don’t worry, Reg - you have an entire off-season to think of a comeback.
Back to the leather hot pants
Dennis Rodman told reporters he takes off his uniform and puts on his “regular” clothes at halftime, then changes back just before he goes out on the floor. “I don’t want to be in game attire more than I have to be,” Rodman explained.
Wearing game attire is no longer a concern for Rodman, thanks to his selfish playoff shenanigans.
The Red Wings’ Sea
Detroit hockey fans have made a tradition of hurling octopi onto the ice during the NHL playoffs. Two fans recently took it to another level.
Paul Werth and Bob Dubisky threw a 30-pounder onto the ice Thursday. “That sucker filled a 5-gallon pail,” testified Al Sobotka, building manager at Joe Louis Arena. “That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen.”
Werth, 35, said he and Dubisky, 38, had discussed the project for a year, ordered a giant octopus from California and inserted a canteloupe-sized rubber ball in the octopus’s head to keep it upright upon landing.
Red Wings winger Dino Ciccarelli apparently likes the quaint custom. At one point during Thursday’s game, he appeared to dab his stick into some leftover octopus goo, then subtly wipe it on the socks of Patrick Poulin, a Chicago player.
Slightly ahead of the times
Not that they’re football crazy in Texas or anything, but the May 24 Dallas Morning News devoted two full pages in a centerfold layout to the Cowboys-49ers game. The game that will be played Nov. 12.
The last word …
“I’ve never tried writing a column from my knees. It’s awkward, but necessary. Since the groveling is being done at the feet of Hakeem Olajuwon, I’m feeling OK about it. So here you have it, Hakeem: I picked against you and the Rockets throughout the NBA playoffs. I am not worthy.” -Art Thiel, Seattle Post-Intelligencer
, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo