Don’t Play Games, Guys, Just Relax And Watch One

Rocker Courtney Love, on her nose job, weight loss and dyed hair: “I want my anger to be valid, and the only way to do that is to be fairly attractive.”

Hey, dude - wondering how to bag a babe like Heather Locklear?

Start by sitting on the couch and watching some sports, the “Melrose Place” vixen reveals in an article called “How to Get the Girl of Your Dreams” in the new Esquire.

“On Sundays, a man watches the game and ignores his woman,” writes Locklear. “But I like that - it lets me know I’m with a man.”

She also suggests lingerie (“G-strings - one size fits all - are the best”) and a little crooning. “Serenading is underrated,” says Locklear, who’s married to Bon Jovi guitarist (and former Cher flame) Richie Sambora.

But steer clear of fast-food joints - men “order dinner at a drive-through window and think it qualifies as a date” - and never utter the phrase: “My mother has that same dress.”

Further evidence Richie made the right move

Cher turns 49 today.

You should see him after he’s had a six-pack

Hunky Henry Rollins isn’t sure how the rumor that he’s gay got started. “I don’t make the scene anywhere, so I’m never really seen with a woman,” says the punk poet, hastening to add: “I’ve always been really intoxicated by women. Like paralyzed - it’s really bad.”

Here’s the moral: if you’re stoned, don’t pilot

The aforementioned Ms. Love delivered an apology on an L.A. radio station on behalf of Stone Temple Pilots singer Scott Weiland, arrested for cocaine and heroin possession and driving under the influence. Wrote Weiland: “I ache to get well and to make more music.”

Further evidence that getting loaded isn’t hip

At age 40, his body battered by years of drunken stage dives, Eddie Van Halen will have hip-replacement surgery. Said a Warner Bros. spokesman: “Eddie didn’t realize how much he was injuring himself because he was not a sober person.”

Not that they’re getting paranoid or anything

Philly punkers Thorazine have until July to come up with a new name under legal pressure from SmithKline Beecham PLC, maker of the antipsychotic drug. Lamented lead singer Jo-Ann Rogan: “The money they spend on us, they could’ve spent on a small Third World country.”

Guess she goes for the less reflective types

Former MTV VJ Karen “Duff” Duffy, dishing the dirt on an anonymous ex-boyfriend (Dwight Yoakam, mayhaps?): “He was so consumed with his presentation. He would always make this face in the mirror - I call it the Lone Hero … Everything was just like, ‘You never eat, and you have to wear leather pants that fit like the skin on a grape.’ And it was such a disappointment to me.”

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Compiled by staff writer Rick Bonino