Rebuild Psychological Home After Crime
The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.
Unknown
Dear Jennifer: A year ago my parents and I were robbed at gunpoint in our home. These men tied us up, tortured us and threatened to kill us. We survived, we were physically unhurt, but even after all this time and counseling I’m still having terrible nightmares. I do not feel safe and have become very cynical and distrustful of society. Please help me by giving me ideas on how to build back a sense of security. Sign me, J
Dear J: “Build” is the right word because your psychological home has been destroyed and you must build another one. I am sure the counselors have suggested redecorating, getting a dog, self-defense courses, etc., but none of these made a real difference when I faced the same situation you did. I was robbed in my home at gunpoint some years ago but I was not tied up.
What did help was a decision I made that the criminal had taken my money but he would not get my mind. I did not want his actions to dictate my attitude once he was gone. After the police left I went into the kitchen and bagged up some groceries, got in my car and drove to the food bank and handed them to one of the organizers. It was an odd thing to do but I was intent on committing an optimistic act to reverse the pessimism I felt.
I put my self through all the stages of grief, I was angry for weeks at anyone on the street who looked like the robber so I made myself talk to good people who looked like the robber. I felt cynical about the courts, the lawyers and the politicians so I found ways to influence the system, such as MAVIA (Mothers Against Violence in America).
I was very careful about my safety but I did not want to be afraid so I set up adventures that tested me in other ways, a kayaking course, volunteering at a haven for abused children, speaking out in public about things I felt to be wrong.
I know you will have to work this out in your own way but my experience changed me in ways I no longer regret. It made me stronger, more aware, more practical and more willing to try and make a difference. I am more of a realist, but not a cynic. I feel safe now, but I know I am responsible for maintaining that safety.
Consciously build your new home brick by brick (optimistic acts, community activism, small adventures). You will find it is stronger and more satisfying than the one that collapsed. - Jennifer
Dear Jennifer: I have been reading so much lately about repressed memories of sexual child abuse. Yet, I rarely see any writings about those of us who have not repressed our memories of abuse.
My concern is that all this focus on repression will lead the public to conclude that whether incest occurs at all is questionable. I worry that those of us who chose not to come forward when we could have are hurting those who do. I want to tell them I’m sorry.
Incest does happen and the memory for me has remained as painful and fresh over the years as when it first occurred. I have never repressed these memories but have carried them with me every day of my life. - Marie
Dear Marie: Public interest and media interest waxes and wanes. One year they exaggerate the levels of sexual abuse and the next year they minimize the occurrence of abuse. But our society is becoming more and more able to tell the truth. The combination of public information, support groups and civil rights has made it increasingly difficult to maintain the collective lie.
Some people will resist changing the myths they have told themselves about the way things are - there are so many examples: rape, domestic violence, racism, animal cruelty, weapons, smoking - but sooner or later the denial breaks.
Meanwhile those who have been hurt do the best they can. Some talk about it, some battle for justice, some counsel those who are hurt, some teach children and adults how to protect themselves. Some write to a columnist as you have done. Thank you. - Jennifer
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The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jennifer James The Spokesman-Review