He Never Says That He’s Sorry

“I’ve put up with an impossible man for 11 years, and I’ve had just about all I can take,” says Marylou, 35, a former children’s librarian who now stays home with her four young children. Though she’s proud of all that Nick has accomplished, making his own way without a college degree and earning a good living as a computer programmer, his temper and constant put-downs are ruining their home, upsetting the children, causing him to lose friends and maybe his job, she explains.

Marylou fell hard and fast for the outgoing, fun-loving Nick. “I couldn’t believe this handsome, exciting man was actually interested in an introvert like me,” she says. But now, he’s turned her and everybody else off.

She first saw signs of Nick’s temper and constant need to belittle almost as soon as they were married when, angered by a driver who cut him off, he screamed at her. “Then and now, our arguments end with passionate sex,” she reports. “Things calm down, but not for long.”

In time, Nick found all sorts of things to complain about. “He thinks I’m a terrible housekeeper if he finds even one thread of lint on the rug or an unwashed dish in the sink. What does he expect with four young children?” What’s more, if she fails to iron his shirts the way he likes them, or leaves a toy in the living room, he berates her. “Last week, he got mad at me because I refused to dance with him at an office party,” she recalls. “Well, I don’t know how to dance - my parents forbade it for religious reasons.” He humiliated her by dancing with every other woman in the room.

Nick has also alienated most of their friends. “He’s very charming when you first meet him, but in time one after another of our friends dropped away,” Marylou says in exasperation. “Nick insists he doesn’t mind; he calls them dull and claims he never liked them anyway.” She’s listened to many similar complaints about colleagues at work, “who just don’t understand him,” he says.

Frankly, Marylou doesn’t know what to do. “I’m tired of making excuses for my husband, to myself and everyone else,” she adds. “Never, not once, have I ever heard him say he’s sorry.”

Nick, 40, admits he’s a hothead. “Okay, so I blow up, but I get it all off my chest. That’s the kind of guy I am. My whole family was like that.” As far as he’s concerned, Marylou always insists that she’s right and he’s wrong. “Then she sulks for days and stonewalls me. I can’t stand that,” he explains.

But Nick believes he has good reason to be upset. “It’s not that I care about the shirts or the toy in the living room specifically. It’s what those things represent. To me, when a woman takes care of those things it means she cares about me and the family.” The incident at the office party was not meant to embarrass his wife, he says. “I love music and love to dance.”

He says it’s impossible to make Marylou understand his devotion to her and their children. “I really love this woman,” he says.

The good-enough apology

“Love does not mean never having to say you’re sorry,” notes New York marriage therapist Jane Greer. “An apology - genuinely offered and graciously accepted - has the power to validate hurt feelings and restore even the most seriously damaged relationships.” Unfortunately, too many people never apologize - or, like Nick, think they do but fail to offer enough security to their mate so that their mumbled words make a difference. There are four key elements to a good-enough apology:

For an apology to be meaningful, you cannot simply mumble “I’m sorry.” You must account for your actions, specifically acknowledge another’s pain and empathize. Empathy is the key: It is the bridge that allows a person who has erred the chance to prove he or she understands and regrets having caused pain.

The apology must include acknowledgment of wrongdoing and a vow to change - no excuse making or justifying. A good-enough apology must also offer a promise of specific changes the wrongdoer will make.

An apology must be followed by a visible demonstration of changed behavior. The wrongdoer must extend himself in some way. This is perhaps Nick’s greatest mistake: He said the words, but his behavior never changed.

An apology must be appropriately timed - not before the wronged one has had a chance to feel his or her rage or despair, not so late as to be meaningless.