Be Soft-Spoken But Resolute

Dear Readers: I am on vacation, but I have left behind some of my favorite columns that you may have missed the first time around. I hope you enjoy them. - Ann Landers

Dear Ann Landers: What can a mother say to a 14-year-old girl who is spoiled, disobedient and disrespectful, and who screams, “I know I’m a rotten kid, but it’s your fault. You raised me.”

I raised her, all right. Her father was too busy playing golf, going fishing and traveling to sales conferences. He never could spare the time to give me a hand with this girl. I need an answer, Ann. - Tongue-Tied Mother in Appleton, Wis.

Dear Mother: Untie your tongue and tell your daughter, “Yes, I raised you, and I’m sorry I didn’t do a better job. If you don’t like the way you are, then make something better of yourself. People can change if they are willing to work at it.”

Dear Ann Landers: Your answer to “Tongue-Tied in Appleton” bothered me. It was good, but I think that mother needs more help. I have a few suggestions for the mother that will ease a tense and unhappy situation:

1. Never engage in a shouting match with your daughter. If she screams, bite your tongue, lower your voice and say anything you feel compelled to say in a voice only slightly above a whisper. If you can’t manage that, tell her quietly that you will discuss the subject with her when you are calmer. Then do it.

2. Never let her reduce you to tears. You are an important person, too. When she gets out of hand, send her to her room, deprive her of a privilege, but don’t let her defeat you.

3. Let her know you love her. Tell her the next time she rages at you that there is nothing she can say that will cause you to stop loving her. You may not like her behavior, but she is your daughter and you are committed to loving her, so let her know she might as well stop trying to alienate you. (Don’t worry, there will be times when you can’t stand her, but remember, you’re probably not lovable all the time, either.)

4. Touch her a lot. This is important! When she’s glued to the TV and you pass by her chair, reach out and pat her. Give her lots of hugs, and don’t be put off by her groans or pulling away.

5. Try not to criticize too often. Suggest if you must, but don’t be on her back about every little thing. Save your “nos” and “don’ts” for the biggies, and make them stick!

6. Stop blaming your husband for not spending time with her. If he is stand-offish and gone a lot, that is his problem - and his loss. You are responsible for your relationship with your child, and you cannot control anyone else’s attitude or behavior.

7. When you reprimand her (if you must) in your newly acquired quiet voice, choose good language. Example: “I find your offensive behavior unacceptable.” It will be far more effective than “You are a rotten kid.”

Remember that 14 is a tough age. It’s not easy to grow up, and this baby you rocked in your arms is finding it more difficult than it was in your day. Listen to her. No matter what she says, all she wants is for you to love her. - Mother of Four Who’s Been There

Dear Mother: Thank you for those excellent guidelines. Mother-daughter relationships are never easy, for a wide variety of reasons. I honestly believe that it is not possible for a daughter to completely understand or appreciate her own mother until she has a daughter of her own.

Excerpted from Ann Landers’ new book “Wake Up and Smell the Coffee,” published by Villard and available in bookstores everywhere.