Play Missing Key Figures

Chickens? Check.

Goats? Check.

Sheep? Check.

Mary? Joseph? Jesus? Check-check-check.

Thanks to the same type of mass organizational effort that it took to liberate Kuwait, the largest and most elaborate Christmas pageant in Spokane and probably the entire Pacific Northwest will open at …

Er, what’s that?

No donkeys?

Great jumping Jehovah! Oops, sorry - but you can’t stage an authentic away-in-the-manger extravaganza without a dang donkey or two.

“They are important,” agrees Carol Voogd, a spokesman for the 15th annual “Bethlehem Revisited” that opens Saturday (1-4 p.m.) in the Crescent Court. “People naturally expect to see donkeys in the stable setting.”

Fortunately, these fine Christians knew which jackass in the media would bray loudest to get them a donkey.

So listen up. Anyone looking to get their long-eared livestock started in show biz can loan the animals to “Bethlehem Revisted.” The critters will be cared for by experts, fed well and possibly taken to Nordstrom for latte breaks.

“Bethlehem Revisited” is a three-day interactive drama that features live animals, period sets, accurate costumes and a cast of 225 actors who recreate the real story of Christ’s birth at no charge to the public.

Big? All this thing needs is Charlton Heston and a burning bush.

Set builders use 1,000 bricks to recreate the Bethlehem marketplace. It takes three days and more than 100 large panels to constuct the famed “little town” that is populated by Roman guards, rabbis, beggars, money changers, merchants and musicians. All costumes and artifacts are in keeping with the times, right down to Roman-issued coins called denaari.

For the first time, however, the production is in the throes of a major donkey void. According to Voogd, their usual donkey distributor doesn’t want to drive his stock truck into the downtown area.

The play was performed the last seven years at the Spokane County Fairgrounds, a more obvious locale for barnyard beasts. It moved to the Crescent Court to reach a different crowd.

Hard to believe the ambitious “Bethlehem Revisited” began with a single flash of inspiration.

Art Cosgrove says he was reading a magazine when he saw an article about an Illinois church that put on an elaborate recreation of Bethlehem. Cosgrove sold the idea to the church board of Shadle Park Presbyterian.

And so it came to pass that the show goeth forth. But, yea verily, there was much trial and tribulation in the early days.

Most of the hilarious stories surrounding “Bethlehem Revisited” involve the animals, wouldn’t you know?

One year, when the pageant was still held in the church, the download from the donkeys oozed through the ceiling.

It took months, says Cosgrove, for the stench to fade.

NOTE TO CRESCENT COURT CUSTODIANS: Cosgrove swears they now know exactly how many layers of plastic and dirt it takes to contain donkey doo.

During another performance, the sheep somehow got out and went wandering through a residential neighborhood. The pastor got a call from some joker who told him his flock had escaped.

How involved does the Shadle Park congregation become in all this? Well, each year the part of the newborn Jesus must be filled.

So “about January the word goes out,” says Voogd. “Anyone who’s thinking of having a child, the time to start is now.”

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Color Photo

MEMO: Donkey owners (OK, we’ll even settle for a lousy burro) should call Doug Clark at 459-5432. Leave your telephone number and a coherent message. Warning: While City Council members act like donkeys, they are not what “Bethlehem Revisted” is looking for.