Post-Holiday Thank-Yous Are In Order Traditional Personal Notes Are Becoming A Lost Art

Emily Hazard’s grandfather handwrote his thank-you notes every year on Christmas night. They were always dated Dec. 25.

“They were really quite impressive,” says Hazard. “They were also a signal to the rest of us when we received them several days later that we’d better get cracking.”

Consider yourself warned. Thank-you note season is upon us. Nearly everyone, even those who don’t celebrate Christmas, gets swept into the generosity of the season.

“Nobody will get through the end of December without some reason to pull out their pen and write a note,” says Hazard, the co-author of “Rising to the Occasion: A Practical Companion for the Occasionally Perplexed” (Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill). Her book features a prominent chapter on the art of writing thank-yous.

Hallmark Cards, with its highly vested interest in this cultural phenomenon, reports that sales of thank-you notes have risen, up 17 percent this year over last.

Still, dedicated Spokane notewriters report these traditional notes have become as scarce as figgy pudding.

“My kids get a lot of pats on the back for their thank-you notes,” says Lynn Kimmel, former owner of a personalized stationary business. “I think it’s become kind of a lost art.”

The Junior League of Spokane shuns its old white-glove image. The league’s contemporary gloveless members, however, still write stellar thank-yous.

Kari Jones’ friends in the league report her notes particularly shine.

“I feel like we’re getting so computerized that a hand-written, personalized card is more important than ever,” says Jones, owner of High Trail Coffee.

Jones regularly shops for unusual note cards. She stocks them in one spot, along with stamps, her address book, sealing wax and matching colored pens.

“It was how I was raised,” says Jones, who calls her mother “the thank-you-note queen.”

Today, telephone calls, faxes and e-mail messages often replace handwritten notes.

Bette M. Parr, a colonel’s widow who used to teach protocol classes to Army wives, says, “We used to handwrite everything. It was an insult way back when, if it was typed or printed. But I don’t agree with that.

“I know I’m just delighted with any thank-yous I get,” says Parr.

Proclaims Hazard, “Silence is absolutely unforgivable, so any step out of silence is a step in the right direction. But the ultimate is the handwritten note.”

There are certain tricks to a great thank-you. First, one must learn to fake sincere appreciation.

The gift was dreadful?

“You just lie,” says Kimmel.

“Somebody went to a lot of trouble, whether you like it or not,” says Reho Barron, the Spokane Club’s social activities manager who also teaches an etiquette class there. “Just be gracious.”

“They didn’t give it to you to make your life wretched,” says Hazard.

She points out that gift selection is always risky. Children need to hear that message early.

“I tell my 6-year-old that it’s how you feel when you’re the one to go in to pick out the video,” Hazard says.

“Some people are going to hate it, and some people are going to love it. What you really want is for everyone to say they love it.”

Gratitude experts excel at making their correspondents feel special. They recommend using thank-you notes to enhance the relationship.

Parr recommends such lines as “You always do such thoughtful things” or “I have enjoyed our friendship over the years.”

This you should not fake, Parr warns.

For those who don’t celebrate Christmas, thank-you note etiquette becomes more complicated. Susan Fabrikant, a Spokane diversity trainer who is Jewish, often receives gifts during the holidays.

If the gift comes from a Jewish friend, she’ll specifically thank them for the Hanukkah present.

If it’s a gift from someone who doesn’t understand her culture, she writes, “Thank you for the present. It was so nice of you to think of me during the holiday season.”

She’d never write, “But I don’t celebrate Christmas.”

“You educate people without making them feel stupid,” Fabrikant says.

Compassion is key. Warmth, creativity and humor are virtues. But efficiency wins.

“If it’s short, if it’s impersonal, at least it was written and sent,” Hazard says. “You get a gold star.”

, DataTimes MEMO: This sidebar appeared with the story: TEACH KIDS ABOUT WRITING THEIR THANK-YOUS Etiquette experts offer the following tips on teaching kids to write thank-you notes: Set a good example. Sit down with your children to write your own notes and answer questions while they write theirs. Share great thank-you notes you receive with your children. Praise the notes’ best points. Bring an address book, a dictionary and stamps to the writing table. Focus more on heartfelt thanks than perfection. Start a tradition. Tuck a new box of thank-you notes into each child’s Christmas stocking. Make a list as your family unwraps gifts. Write down the item and the giver’s name. If you’re a grandparent who receives a child’s thank-you note, post it on your refrigerator and make certain you praise the effort the next time the child visits. If your children enjoy using the computer, encourage them to design their own note cards. Tell children that writing a thank-you note is simply part of receiving a gift. Teach them to respect the feelings of the giver. If all else fails, point out that if Grandma receives a thank-you note, she’ll be more likely to send another gift again next year. Jamie Tobias Neely