1995 Good Year For Yuks, Hucks In North Idaho

I hope Huckleberries gave you a chuckle or two during the past 12 months. I enjoyed writing them. So, as you feast, watch parades and overdose on football today, let me present you with my favorite 1995 Huckleberries:

Mistaken Identity (Jan. 9): At The Bookery on Sherman Avenue, a harried tourist told owner Marge Winderman to keep an eye out for her husband while she visited another store downtown. The out-of-towner then described her spouse and left. Shortly afterward, a stranger fitting that description entered the used-book store, and Marge asked, “Are you looking for a wife?” No, responded he, “I have one already.”

Cabin Fever (Feb. 20): An unhappy Hayden resident thinks he knows how his community spells snow removal: S-U-M-M-E-R.

Over (Bang!) & Out (Feb. 27): If you were eavesdropping on cellular phone conversations (which has become an illicit pastime in Bonner County), you might have heard this unusual sign-off between two Sandpoint teens: “I just shot myself in the foot; I’ll have to call you back later.”

Jailhouse Blues (March 20): Kootenai County jailbirds thought they’d initiate their new nurse properly. But they didn’t count on Los Angeles transplant Denise Huffman being jailwise. Several asked jailers to take them to her office, complaining of an inability to urinate. Miraculously, however, they were healed when Denise reached for a catheter.

Androgynous Jack (April 10): Jack McNeel, former Idaho F&G spokesman, was surprised when his application for an Earth Watch tour to Kangaroo Island, off the Australia coast, came back addressed to “Ms. Jack McNeel.” He was more surprised still when he received a call from a woman who wanted to be his bunk mate on the trip.

Idaho Daylight Time (May 8): A Manthos Hair customer thought Nancy Thompson’s pending move to Missoula was great. You’ll get two more hours of daylight said she brightly. Then, from the beautician’s chair came the worried voice of Nancy’s 6-year-old, Cassie: “Mommy, does that mean I have to give my watch away because it’s Idaho time?”

I Am (Congress)woman (May 8): During recent Endangered Species Act hearings, U.S. Rep. Helen Chenoweth toured some vernal pools, critical habitat for the fairy shrimp. “Well, I stepped in a critical habitat with my boot, and I had to wear that critical habitat on my boot all day long until I could wash it off at night,” said outspoken Helen. “When I was a little girl on the farm, they called it a mud puddle.”

Her Mother’s Daughter (June 5): Asked the Huckleberry Pupette as she roamed my office: “Daddy, you have a bad job because you have to criticize people for a living.” Responded I, defensively: “People criticize me, too.” Summed up she: “Well, maybe they wouldn’t criticize you if you didn’t criticize them.” (I think she gets it from her mother.)

Marshall Mend Incognito (July 3): Sandpoint City Clerk Helen Newton tells of seeing “Batman Forever” with grandson Jordan. When Jim Carrey first appeared on screen as “The Riddler,” Jordan whispered, “Grandma, that’s The Realtor.” Carrey wasn’t even wearing white shoes.

Autograph Attempt Incomplete (Aug. 14): Pauline Anderson doesn’t follow football - though Seattle Seahawks quarterback John Friesz once worked as a dishwasher for her at Franklin’s Hoagies. Pauline wouldn’t know buck-toothed John Elway from Mr. Ed, the talking bronco. Still, while dining at The Cedars recently, she got excited when a friend whispered, “You’ll never guess who’s here - John Elway! (As she related the tale, Pauline asked, “Is it Elway or Elwood?”) Instantly, Pauline wanted a famous person’s autograph for her restaurant wall. So, she went over “to the guy in the purple shirt” and asked for his autograph. He was pleased to oblige, but there was a problem. He wasn’t Elway. The Denver QB was sitting at the next table, also wearing a purple shirt. A lighter shade than Pauline’s face.

Quickie Ceremony (Aug. 14): John Green wears black dress socks under his white athletic ones during racquetball games for a reason. He’s a quick-change artist. Recently, John performed a wedding at the Hitching Post in between games beginning at 6:15 and 7 p.m. Let’s hope his fee included a wedding shower.

Only in North Idaho (Sept. 11): During a recent flight from Sacramento, Calif., to Spokane, a Sandpoint woman and her African-American seatmate struck up a conversation. When she mentioned her hometown, he said, “I hear you have the KKK over there.” Yes, she replied proudly, “Whoever catches the biggest one gets the prize.” Of course, she was talking about the annual K&K (kokanee and kamloops) fishing derby and couldn’t understand the stranger’s startled expression.

Loaner Truck (Sept. 18): A funny thing happened to CPD Blue’s Paul Burke on his way to a little R&R on Lake Coeur d’Alene. Seems he’d borrowed fellow officer Sean Lind’s 1972 Ford pickup. Everything was going fine until he tried to unload his personal watercraft at water’s edge. That’s when the brake failed, leaving Paul to watch helplessly as the pickup became part of the lake’s aquatic life. Afterward, some of Paul’s sympathetic buddies wondered what they should use to fish it out - spinner bait or a fly set-up?

Every Vote Counts (Oct. 2): Johnny Nelmer isn’t the first politician to learn the importance of a single vote - although he may be the youngest. Faith Baldwin beat Johnny 197-196 to become the Fernan Elementary School student secretary. Afterward, she criticized his campaign. Seems Johnny wasn’t too serious about the race because he had paraded around the playground during recess with campaign posters stuck all over himself. Little does Faith know, however, that she owes her “landslide” win to Johnny. You see, he voted for her because (drum roll, please) he thinks she’s cute.

Go Away Kid, You Bother Me (Oct. 16): Randy Smith, 52 and father of seven, subbed as an escort during the CdA High homecoming game while youngest son Sid played ball. At halftime, Randy and queen candidate Gretchen Hammarberg joined other royalty riding around the football field in convertibles. As they passed the Sandpoint rooters on the far side, a youngster ruined the mood by bellering: “Gee, that guy looks kind of old to be in high school.”

Birthday Inflation (Dec. 18): North Idaho College students are tired of high prices at the campus bookstore, according to the NIC Sentinel - so much so that bookstore manager Bill Semmler was asked on his birthday: “So, how old are you today, or do you mark that up 100 percent, too?” Ouch!

, DataTimes The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = D.F. Oliveria The Spokesman-Review